Trouble.Thinks

Know Your Rights

2012-01-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

The 10 Assertive Rights of an Individual

1. I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

2. I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

3. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems.
I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological wellBbeing and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

4. I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

5. I have the right to say, "I don't know." I have the right to make decisions without being 100% certain of all the answers regarding these choices. If I were to evaluate every possible outcome of all decisions I made, chances are I would accomplish very little in my lifetime. No one can be expected to know all the possibilities of any particular behavior; therefore, I must make personal judgments as I see fit.

6. I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

7. I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

8. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with "black or white,'' "all or none,'' and "yes or no'' issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

9. I have the right to say, "I don't understand.'' One aspect of being human is being unable to fully understand all that occurs around me. I learn through experience, but experience also teaches that I cannot always understand what others mean or want. I cannot read minds, although others may try to manipulate me by providing hints or making subtle implications. I cannot anticipate and be sensitive to the unstated feelings, needs, and wants of others.

10. I have the right to say, "I don't care.'' Being human, I am imperfect. It is a fallacy to assume that I must strive to improve myself. Others may use this to manipulate me, saying that I am obliged to alter my behavior in a more positive direction; otherwise, I would be lazy, worthless, a degenerate, and unworthy of respect. If I erect goals of perfection, I undoubtedly will be frustrated and disappointed. Therefore, I have the right to say that I don't care to be perfect. The only sure way to prevent manipulation is to ask myself whether I am satisfied with myself or my performance, then, I can make an objective judgment as to whether I wish to change my behavior.

By James J Messina

It's gonna be a long road to go a long way

2011-11-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

Murphy's Law

2011-11-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

On the way to work today, I decide to stop at Tim Horton's for a coffee. Second in line at the drive through, I am counting out the change for my order, hurriedly exchanging as much of the larger coin for pennies and nickels as I can. Small change accumulating in my purse and in jars and drawers just makes me crazy, why not use it and eliminate some clutter.

For some reason I seem to think that the woman ahead of me has driven off and in a moment of distraction, numbers running through my head, I push on the gas pedal. Unfortunately, the woman and her car are still there and now my car is on top of her car. She jumps out to see if she still has a bumper. Thankfully, yes, and there is no damage. She gets back in and drives off. Meanwhile, I am cursing myself for being such a damn idiot! (Oddly enough this has happened before. I drove into someone else at a yield sign at a bridge on my way to choir practice and only recently, last year, backed into my girlfriend's Mazda while helping a friend move. With a big load on the back of the truck I honestly did not see her little car!)

I pay for my coffee and find her parked in a stall. I walk up to her window where she is casually eating her lunch. She rolls down the window and I apologize profusely, begging her to forgive me for being such a damn idiot! She is the kindest woman, she smiles saying it's no problem, really. I apologize again and crawl back to the car with my tail between my legs and am off to work, wide-awake.

It should have ended there.

The next thing you know, my work day is done and I am on my way to the car. I arrive at the car only to find that there is no car. Stopping dead in my tracks I scan the parking lot and begin to question my sanity. Woman! Where did you park the car! I circle the parking lot twice and it is nowhere to be found. I call my mother. She thinks I have forgotten where I parked it. Are you sure you actually drove to work today, is it still parked at the house? Yes mom, I am sure. I circle the parking lot again. Have I lost it? My mind? Debateable. The car? Yes. The damn car was stolen.

That's not the worst part.

The car belongs to someone else: the woman I am housesitting for!

OH! MY! GOD!

We call Anna at her hotel, it's 6 AM over in Israel but we needed to get the report rolling. She doesn't remember her license plate number. Despite all the information we have, the police are unable to locate her record in the system without this number as there are 150 other women with the same name! And for some bizarre reason, the plate number is not listed on the insurance papers. 10 o'clock at night, the insurance company is closed, her mechanic is closed, tomorrow's a stat holiday and some bastard has taken her car out for a joy ride. After searching all of the places she had told us to look, we finally found the plate number written on an old ticket and were able to get the car reported. And now we wait to see what happens.

It probably would have been a good day to stay in bed.

What Makes You Happy?

2011-11-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

"And therein lies the best advice I could possibly dispense: just DO things. Chase after the things that interest you and make you happy. Stop acting like you have a set path, because you don’t. No one does. You shouldn’t be trying to check off the boxes of life; they aren’t real and they were created by other people, not you. There is no explicit path I’m following, and I’m not walking in anyone else’s footsteps. I’m making it up as I go. It’s harder, for sure, and kind of scary sometimes. But it will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror and know you’re playing by your own rules."

~ Charlie Hoehn

Mixed Up

2011-11-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have to keep telling myself that my feelings are important too.

The things I feel, I feel for a reason.

This time, what I want matters more than what he wants.

Five years is a long time. It should have been three, but I stuck it out. Why? Who knows. I guess it was easier to be miserable than to face the fears of change and the manifestation of conflict. Though, there was conflict all along.

Last year, around this time, we broke up. Twice within two months. Third time's a charm. Eventually you just reach a point where your soul really starts to just die and you have had enough. Call it divine intervention, fate, or simply a moment of pure, unabashed clarity; this time was different. In a moment of truth, I realized that what I want, need and value matters. That for the first time in my life I was putting my true self before anyone else... and not feeling guilty or torn over it, or deliberating for hours and days on end.

At this point, I could no longer just coast along allowing myself to live against my values, in a constant state of disharmony. I realized that I, and I alone, had let things go too far out of control and that this could no longer go on.

I left the province to go back home to the big city; to get away and start a new beginning. Thinking about it now, maybe I was running. But self-preservation is a strong motivator. Did I think there was a chance I would back down on my decision, absolutely! Could I let that happen this time, no way! I needed to clear my mind and heart and figure out what the hell it is that I want in this life.

Now he wants to move here to be with me. We have been apart for 19 days. He says he didn't realize how unhappy I was. Despite the arguments, the distance, the clear signs and problems in our relationship. He says he wants to work on it. After last years' episodes and all this time and broken promises, he somehow thinks that working on it now is going to magically prove to be the solution we've been looking for all along. It is hard because there is a part of me that is starting to feel like maybe this time is different and big enough to allow for some real change to happen. Am I crazy? History repeats itself, does it not? And the one thing I have learned is that you can't change anyone but yourself.

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone...

There is a Silence

2011-10-25T15:35:00.001-07:00

“In a rabbit-fear I may hurl myself under the wheels of the car because the lights terrify me, and under the dark blind death of wheels I will be safe. I am very tired, very banal, very confused. I do not know who I am tonight. I wanted to walk until I dropped and not complete the inevitable circle of coming home.” ~ Sylvia Plath

The city is full of noise, but it is drowned out by the deafening silence within. I am uncertain as to what I am doing here or why. It is a familiar place, these streets I have known, though I am unsure if this feels like home. The people I know have their lives and why should my being here change anything. I am living in three different places; my belongings strewn about everywhere. An unsettling tension lingers. Lost. Alone. Unsure of everything. I have no idea what the future holds or where I should be. The initial excitement of being somewhere I belong has subsided. The adrenaline has worn off. Emotions have surfaced. The emotions of the past three months have let loose their fury and I am at their mercy.

The choices I have made are mine alone and I wonder if they are the right ones. For one I am certain, the rest... have yet to unfold.

Mad Woman Move

2011-10-14T18:22:00.000-07:00

Packing...and I don't know where to begin.... Kitchen? Closet? Vodka?

Wow...

It is all a bit overwhelming.

I picked up a rental truck from Budget today.

It was bigger than I had expected.

I felt terror squeezing my guts as I jumped in; it was yelling "You're going to drive THIS onto the ferry, through the windy roads of BC, across the Rocky mountains and all the way to Edmonton? Woman, have you gone mad!"

Driving it out of the lot, there is a beep beep... beep beep...and I'm thinking what the F is that.

A block later I clue in.

I didn't think I had to release the emergency brake.

It's going to be a good trip.

Small steps in the right direction make more sense than a thousand big ones in the wrong

2011-10-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Two of a Kind

2011-09-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

Sweat + Sacrifice = Success

2011-09-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

I am trying it again. Running, that is. I ran around the neighbourhood tonight. Living at the bottom of a valley is probably a blessing for the legs & glutes, however, it's quite the feat when you are starting out. Running uphill is torture. Needless to say, it felt like I was running as slow as molasses. Still, I ran. My lungs were on fire. My clothes were drenched, in sweat and rain. I cursed my calves.

Met a boxer along the way. He was walking his human and abruptly stopped, turning to stare me down from up the hill. I watched the woman struggling to get him to keep going, but he resisted, all the while watching me. I caught up to the two of them and said to the woman, "Looks like he wants to meet me!" No sooner were the words out of my mouth and he was on top of me, snarling. My heart ran up my throat and I did my best to conceal my fear. I held out my hand hoping he wouldn't tear it off and a moment later he was licking me like I was his best bud. Asshole!

All in all it was a brilliant end to the day...running in the rain. I love these rainy days and though I can't say that I "love" to run, I certainly love the way the body feels after a run.

Cuz I'm Building My Own World One Brick At A Time & It Just Keeps Gettin Better

2011-09-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

Good lord I love this song:

I swear he says "Kerstin, be real" at the beginning. Ok, I will!

Bright Lights

2011-09-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

There's a girl I know who could just never seem to get it right. Her life is a pattern. A perpetual cycle of wrong choices and mishaps. In her search for approval she has lost herself, her identity, though the saying goes you can't lose something you never had.

She once dated this guy who wanted to control her soul and her life. She was looking for God. He had found God and was looking for a wife. He told her what to believe. She couldn't believe it. They argued all the time. She finally left for summer to work for her brother a province away. He drove out a week later and convinced her to return. They continued the power struggle until her dad died that fall. Her faith vanished, along with the devotee.

There was another one just coming out of prison for accidentally murdering his mother at 17 in a fit of rage. They met online, he was moving up to a half-way house with a curfew of eleven. He sang, played guitar, quoted Nietzsche. She had a big heart. He always seemed a bit distant but she tried to find a way in. He was the one who found a way in and then, broke it off. Left his keyboard as a consolation prize and married a few months later.

There were others...like these.

The emotionally unavailable, the bad boys, the addicts, the users, the explosives, the ones who need to be "fixed". She is drawn to them... She who, as a child grew up thinking I wish he would love me, now is subconsciously attracted to men who can’t meet her emotional needs.

Did she really ever love any of these men? Not these ones. In hindsight, it wasn't ever really about love... It was sticking around despite all the red flags, the inner turmoil...giving in to fear, guilt...putting off the inevitable because it was just too damn comfortable, familiar....it was putting the needs of others ahead of her own...seeing the good, ignoring the bad...it was fulfilling her sick need for approval, her codependent tendencies. The persistent longing to be loved, to be cherished, to be seen, to be needed, to care for someone; this crazy motivating force to find someone to fill an empty space.

But it is a space that she is only starting to understand: only she can fill...

There comes a point in life when you are thrown a curveball. One that you did not see coming. It hits you head on and you see stars. In that instant, there is a major shift in perspective. The stars leave a light and suddenly, things are crystal clear.

And voilà, everything changes.

Done For

2011-08-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

This office is stifling my creativity.
(Let me out)

Fluorescent lighting, blinding me with its incessant glare.
(Talked the maintenance man into turning the one above my desk off)

Constant whirring of the server fans.
(Why they're not in a closet somewhere is beyond me)

Sauna-like heat radiation.
(It's amazing I even stay awake in here - anyone heard of AC?!)

Lack of windows to the world.
(I really wish I could see outside)

Piles & piles of work waiting to be done.
(At least the day goes by)

Neverending to-do lists.
(I can't even keep track anymore)

Unrealistic deadlines.
(You want WHAT?!!! Done WHEN?! TODAY?!)

Yet another change, edit, revision, policy...disaster.
(No one really knows what we are doing around here, do they?)

Constant interruptions.
(I would love to talk shop, really, come on in!)

Communication breakdowns.
(Need I say more)

Or is it that I have too much on my mind to even concentrate on work.
(These days, it's just better to be asleep)

This song is the chaos of my mind right now:

Work? What work?!

Stormy Weather

2011-08-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." ~ Pema Chodron

Mile Marker

2011-08-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

Breathe

2011-07-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

Human Jello

2011-07-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

Jinchun Chen and his team of scientists have created a new kind of gelatin made from none other than you and yours truly. Using the genes that produce human collagen and then combining them with yeast they've concocted human gelatin!

Yum.

The cannibal in me is smacking her lips.

We can soon (hopefully) enjoy human jello, human s'mores, gummi humans and many other delightful confections.

I wonder if the vegetarians will go for it. Hey, it's not an animal product and nobody got hurt!

More info here or the full study in the Journal of Agricultural & Food Chemistry

Fast-Forward to Nowhere

2011-07-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

We live our lives fast, but not always well. We are in a constant state of motion. We skim the surface of each others lives and excel at abbreviated relationships. We plug in, but are disconnected from what is truly important. What is real. We may think we are getting ahead, but we are only falling further behind.

We follow the lead of our 'leaders' and compete with each other for the better life: the sexiest body, the biggest house, the fastest car, the most money in the bank, the latest gadgets. We barely have time to enjoy it because we're working so hard to earn it. We are enthralled with the latest celebrity gossip and events, but hardly take notice when our children or siblings excel in school or sports or the arts.

We strive to be successful. But what is success? Do we even know our own definition of the word or do we, like most people, define it based on what everyone else is doing. We work harder not smarter, in our relentless pursuit. We want results. Quick-fixes. Instant gratification. We live an ASAP kind of life. We are motivated by deadlines... to do something, have something, be somewhere, be someone. We are pressured to get married, make babies, climb the corporate ladder, plan for retirement and then give up the things we love because "I can't do that at my age" or our bodies are too worn out from contamination and neglect. We spend countless hours in front of the TV and computer, but rarely pick up a book.

Our refrigerators are filled with 'heat-and-serve' meals and we eat on the go, in between calls, during commercials. Family dinners have become a thing of the past. Our iPods are stockpiled with music, but we seldom hear it live. We seldom hear. The music becomes filler. Background noise. We are so used to the constant hum and hustle, and no longer know what to do without it. We waste time by filling up our time. We are masters of multi-tasking our to-do lists. But the question remains, what exactly are we doing?

Our relationships are surface. We coexist but disengage. We text rather than talk. We wave at our neighbours but don't know their names. We chit-chat about the weather and everyone is "fine". We practice our scripts, "How are you?", "I'm well, how are you?" and the plot never thickens, never goes too deep. The sets never change and the story remains the same. We are afraid to get too close. To know too much. To have to deal with anything more than we already have to deal with. To risk. We want it easy. We want everything to be great. We want fair-weather friends. We are not willing to deal with the things that need our attention in our relationships. It's too hard. Too much work. We bottle things up for fear of hurting the other person and don't say the things that need to be said. We compromise too much, or too little. We find time for everything except each other and are often too exhausted by the end of the day to give any more of ourselves to the ones who need and deserve it the most.

It is madness.

Complete, and utter madness.

What is your purpose?

What is your passion?

Your vision?

What drives you?

Where is your heart?

Who are you?

What are you filling your days up with?

Now that yesterday is gone, what did you really do that was worth mentioning?

When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart with a friend, face-to-face?

Where are you going and why?

Will it all be worth it in the end?

1/26 Ain't Bad

2011-06-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

I Would Jump Ship

2011-06-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

If Not Now When

2011-06-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

I do alot of "talking." Some would have different ideas on this statement. Those who know me well, would likely agree. I "talk" about all I want to do, to change, to achieve. A new idea, a new goal, a new area of interest. I talk about all the decisions I want, or need to make...and should I do this, or that, and is it better to go this way or that way. Yes, indeed, I have rambled on for quite some time now... My mind is an unattended zoo and I am the monkey swinging from tree to tree.

When it comes right down to the barebones of it: I need more discipline. Self-discipline. I say no more of this half-starting, half-finishing, half-living that I do so well. No more humming and hawing. I've had enough of myself.

Maybe, subconsciously this all started the other day I watched Karate Kid... the seemingly pointless & laborious chores beginning Daniel's lessons with Mr. Miyagi which led to the desired outcome of winning the championship, beating his enemies and ultimately finding himself in the process. Eventually. He had to shine the cars and paint both sides of the fence first.

I have noticed myself wanting to do something, picturing the results I want to get out of it, planning... but "not really" wanting to put in the effort required to achieve these results...the end goal...the desired outcome.

Like wanting to work out in the mornings... I set my alarm early enough for a run pretty much every night. Morning comes, the alarm goes off and I convince myself not to go because it's warmer under the covers, or I'm still tired or it's dark outside or "I'll go after work." It's this constant battle with myself to not do something that I actually want to do.

I become lazy, distracted, uninterested and start making excuses or doing other things. Even worse, when it comes to decisions, I am giving into emotions like fear... fear of the change, the unknown... fear of making mistakes, messing up... fear of doing it wrong or not being good enough. Feeling rather than thinking realistically. So many things left unfinished. Long lists of "to-dos." Loose ends.

Such a simple concept...to "achieve" one must "do", but it requires great effort and determination... and consistently great effort and determination.

When it suits me, I can put in the effort. What I need to do, is get over this "when it suits me" bit. Self-discipline means sacrifice. Sacrificing what may be more desirable at the time and doing what's difficult but brings the most satisfaction in the end. Sacrificing what you feel for what you think. What you feel in one moment for what you think about your life...what do you want, what's important... what matters most.

I want less random and more routine. Less doing it tomorrow and more today. Less later and more now. Though I'm not entirely sure of what I really want these days, I do know that I want to finish what I start... and get off the fence.

Wishing For Rain As I Stand In The Desert

2011-06-06T16:33:00.000-07:00

Ron Pope...well worth a listen...

War

2011-02-27T00:08:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel like giving up. My heart's just not into it anymore. Though I know that I can't, the temptation is definitely there. I've been battling myself these days... running low on ammunition...wearing down. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am skeptical...empty. I've lost faith and trust... Decisions to make are bright night lights of head on traffic and I'm trying to swerve but the wheel won't turn. I really don't know where to begin. Begin within, they say...but how do you do this when you are trying to pull yourself out. It's suffocating down there.

I've been making some rather odd decisions as of late and they don't gel with the person I want to be. I want to be a woman of value. I want inner strength and inner peace... I want so much more than I'm allowing myself to embrace and yet, here I am. Stuck. Glaring at a wall. This wall has been up for the last six years, when everything crumbled...some of it, probably longer. I'd like to tear it all down someday, brick by brick. I'd like to do alot of things. I don't want to just get by. I want to live the life I dream of. Why do we stay stuck... why do we settle... why are we so nuts?

Tonight at derby, I realized the power of the mind/body connection. Skating round and round, I'm hearing this voice... you gotta want it. Fight for it. Hunger for it. You've gotta be more hungry for it. I'm not hungry for it. I'm full. In fact, I'm full of shit. All this shit that's going on in my head is affecting my play. When it got tough on the track, as my body was screaming at me for missing two weeks worth of practice to go vacation across the rockies in my hometown, my mind...my disastrous mind was giving up on me too. That jerk. "I can't do this", "You're not going to make it", "You're going to collapse", "You're not good enough, fast enough, fit enough".... add this negativity to the rest of the chaos and I was out. I nearly had a breakdown on the track and I wanted to smack myself upside the head because this is not the attitude I was looking for. This is not me. This is someone else who has taken over and I would like her out. I did eventually go back, but I couldn't get my legs to connect with my head and my head to connect to my heart.

This is all wrong.

2011-02-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

All of it.

I'm losing it.

What is this thing in my chest? This thing that has hold... clenching ...tight... So tight, I cannot breathe. It navigates my life for me, I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Try as I might, I cannot win this one. Ever.

The bastard keeps me up at night...

Pulls me, a constant tug. At first I thought it was funny. Now I'm not so sure. This is just madness... this thing in my chest.

I didn't ask for it.

I didn't want it.

You can have it.

It's up for grabs. Free for the taking. The key too...

I want to rip it out, stuff it into a brown paper bag, lock it in the freezer... and sew up the incision with fishing line. Freeze frame it in the frigid cold and forget about it. This incessant timpani of steady rhythm would cease to a muffled groan... as each drop, each cell becomes frost and silence instills...

But all I can do now is drown it out... with something louder...words...a melody...a voice...

Play it loud... and hope the tide comes in

"Memories fade Like looking through a fogged mirror Decisions too Decisions are made Decisions are made and not bought But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot I guess not"

Noon Hour Bliss

2011-02-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

Working downtown has it's perks, one being a beautiful harbour within walking distance...

You give yourself away

2010-12-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

"Go get what you want"

That's what the magicman said at the end of our conversation. He told me to write it on the bathroom mirror and take a picture. He'll watch for it.

That was Friday.

I still haven't done it.

A while back I stuck the words "Know what you want, and what you don't want" to my fridge. Remnants of a previous conversation with another deep soul.

Both of whom have taught me so much.

We have these people in our lives who speak truth...they tell it like it is...see things for what they are, see you for exactly who you are and have a way of carrying you out from underneath your delusions, setting you down on the floor, looking you right in the eyes through to your soul and ripping your very heart out with their words. It only hurts because it's real. They know it, and deep down you know it. Even if you won't admit it to yourself.

Which is exactly where I am. I can admit to that. But not to the rest.

The thing is, I know what I want. But what I want, doesn't want me.

My past is a series of choices that may have led me up to where I am today, and yes, for that I am grateful...but it took me further away from the part of my life that meant more to me than anything else and by the time I realized, it was too late. It is a hard truth to carry. I am being honest with myself when I acknowledge that this is the biggest regret of my life. So big, that I can finally admit that I was so blind to even think that I deserve anything more than what I got.

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”

Go get what you want.

First step, know what you want and what you don't want.

And so the work begins...

Northern Lights

2010-12-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

The city that just won't let go...

Late at night
Sync your heartbeat to mine
And I will never try
To forget your northern lights

What'll I do if you never find me again

The heart is a caged bird unable to fly

2010-12-01T21:28:00.000-08:00

"There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you..." ~ Charles Bukowski

This deep, gaping hole in my chest... will not heal. Scar tissue built a fortress around it, now they're building a foreign country with foreign rules that should have caused a revolution... instead the inhabitants conformed. Resistance is futile when the weapon is regret, guilt or fear.

Attempts to stitch it shut have ultimately been in vain. Threads that are fragile do not stay closed, the needle is dull. This open wound steadily bleeds with each pass, each pulse...a festering pool of emotional chaos with nowhere to go.

I Really Don't Know What To Call This

2010-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

My beloved kitty tested positive for feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV)... which is similar to human HIV. Aids. WTF? It's been on my mind all weekend....bloody hell I exclaim! How did this happen?

He was sick all week, not eating, not drinking, sleeping a whole lot more and being generally depressed... a very big change. I took him to the vet, they did a bunch of tests, I paid a bunch of money and his white blood cells were half of what they should be...hence the FIV status which was confirmed the next day. But he seems to be recovering from whatever bug he has right now. It's been a process trying to get him to drink...using a syringe and shooting a little water into his mouth did eventually make him want to drink on his own. I've had giant cups in every room in hopes of reminding him. He is finally drinking on his own, and eating, though he's not entirely himself yet. I am just hoping...

There's no way to tell where he managed to pick up the disease... probably from the mangly looking stray that was hanging around a while back... or one of the many others running up and down the street...as it is usually contracted through contact with another infected cat. Saliva to blood. And Twitchy's a fighter. But we'll never know the actual story. I do feel rather guilty, because maybe if I had kept him indoors this might not have happened. At the same time though, I can't beat myself up...and anyways would that have been fair to him? He's a hunter, a killer, the tomcat of the neighbourhood... he runs the show around here. It's just not his nature. He knows it, I know it. And cats should have the joy of going outdoors. Unfortunately for him, he might have to be spending alot more time indoors anyways to keep him from getting sick and spreading this to other cats.

I've been doing a bit of research on FIV... in hopes of finding something that's going to help him. I don't know how long he has, but he might just have a few (or more) good years left.

Some facts on FIV

Cats can still live a long time with FIV if they're receiving proper care & monitoring throughout their lives though it's eventually fatal
Casual contact of cats living in the same household does not spread the virus.
The virus cannot live outside of the cat
An infected cat may not show any symptoms at all, or his health may either deteriorate progressively, or show a pattern of recurring illness followed by long periods of good health
Eventually, signs of immunodeficiency begin to develop and the cat's ability to protect itself against infection is compromised. The same bacteria, viruses, fungi that are found in cats' everyday environment can cause severe illness in cats with weakened immune systems. These secondary infections are responsible for most of the clinical signs of FIV and the major cause of death
Humans cannot catch this from cats! The HIV virus does not affect cats and the FIV virus does not affect humans.
It sounds alot like human aids, doesn't it.

Life isn't purrfect, that's for sure...

Exhale

2010-10-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes our flame goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being...

~ Albert Schweitzer

Checklist for Idiots

2010-10-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

Load box of truck up with furniture. Check.
Drive to specified location. Check.
Pull over to side of road. Check.
Check road is clear. Check.
Look in all mirrors. Check.
Put truck into reverse. Check.
Step on gas pedal. Check.
Back truck up onto your friend's Mazda. Check.

P-O'd

2010-10-10T17:21:00.000-07:00

Having smashed my ankle up... twice in the last month, leaving me one limping angry malfunction of an invalid, it's been taking some time to get it back up and running full force. It's slowing me down, big time. I feel I am falling behind.

And fear now grips...it's like an overtight tensor bandage that you can't yank off, digging in and suffocating the blood right out from under your skin, your toes are turning blue...

Fear of falling, fear of corners. Especially those corners on the slippery wooden gym floors, with our coach screaming "Run! Run! Don't stop running! You're not running! RUN ON THOSE SKATES! RUN!!!" and your brain telling you "ANY SECOND now you are just going to LOSE IT and go flying into the wall, rupturing your ankle into a million splinters on the way down, never to skate on it again. Of course, it does feel a whole lot nicer falling on wooden floors, over the unforgiving cement. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! I used to be fearless! Alright, way closer to fearless than I am right now!

Our coach gave us a speech on this fear, how it isn't getting us anywhere and we need to really push ourselves...basically: get the F over it! He's been brutally honest and his words are sticking.

I'm pissed though. At my ankle, at myself.

On another note, I think I've pulled or torn the back of my knee... I've got a nice circular red burst of something...blood vessel? The bruises are piling on...I'm still upset at my perma-bruise, the road rash from summer that's healed into a beautiful scar on the front of my leg. Just lovely in a dress! It's a good thing I'm so angry, because this is the perfect sport for me.

GRRRRRROOOWWWLLL!

But I'm not a quitter.

And all in all, I think I did pretty well this morning and last night. I did push myself. I did try. I stumbled, It gave, I fell, I panted, I nearly drowned in my sweat, I burned, I hurt, I yelled obscentities in my head, I was nowhere near the time I should be...it made me want to punch walls and spit blood but I made it to the end and the ankle is all the more stronger.

One day at a time woman, one day at a time!

Amen.

Two Bare Knuckle Rights

2010-10-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

The Oilers doused the Flames last night...4-0...first game of what looks like it could be a great season, even with a bunch of rookies!

All the more sweeter being our rival team...Take that, Calgary!

Can You Lay Eggs?

2010-10-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

And now for the incredible metal eating bird

Emotional Blackmail

2010-10-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

We broke up.

Got back together.

I was unsure.

So I signed the lease.

We broke up. Again.

Got back together. Again.

I broke the lease on my way to get the key.

We are where we were a week or two, and far longer, ago.

Nowhere...

What am I doing?
Everyone thinks I'm nuts.
I know I'm nuts...
And I am certainly making some very strange decisions as of late...

Such as...

1) Calling my new landlord at 2:00pm to confirm our scheduled meetup that evening to pick up the key, then calling him back a few hours later to find him unreachable and having him finally answer the phone while on the way to the apartment, to say that you have decided to not take the apartment, causing him to have to turn around, drive all the way back home to pick up your deposit, and drive all the way back...then having to face him, and his wife, in shame and explain the reasoning to your 180 degree change of mind within the last few hours...

Lesson learned: Always give yourself more than a few hours to change your mind. Sleep on it. Talk it out with somebody! Anybody! Let the emotions cool down and then decide...like a normal person. Oh, and count yourself extremely lucky when you get your entire damage/pet deposit back when you break your lease because your new, now ex-, landlords are in fact reasonable people...and you, clearly, are not.

2) Ordering cheques from my bank to my new address and calling the next morning to cancel them only to find out they had already been shipped to the new address, BLANK... and having to open a new bank account and cancel the old bank account because apparently the bank cannot stop fifty numbered cheques from being cashed into your account without turning the entire cheque cashing ability right off...

Lesson learned: Do not put your new address on anything until you are carrying boxes into the front door of your new place... EVER!

And the biggest kicker of them all...

3) Deciding to leave, then choosing to stay. Only because you feel guilty because he is angry and laid off and accusing you of trying to bankrupt him and make him sell his truck and end up on the street because he can't afford the place on his own right now...And only because he says he'll change. He'll quit. He wants to quit. He'll do it for me...

He's not quitting...he continues to be consumed by his addiction and I continue to be consumed...

Lesson learned: How foolish am I...

Close, but no cigar

2010-09-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

"I'm leaving you."

He doesn't know yet. He's gone for the weekend, camping. I'm sorting memories and things: things to keep, things to leave. So many, things. The stereo soothes. Music gets me through...fills the spaces...sparks the soul, letting me know that yes, I am still alive in there.

It's been a long time coming...but we have arrived. We can go no further. I can stay no longer. The decision has been made. Sealed in the heart...

Things are happening faster than I had imagined. Last night, I found (with a little help from my friends♥) an apartment downtown... Available October 1. We did a walkthrough, spoke with the landlord and I am returning tonight to fill out an application.

I am scared out of my mind. Where is my mind? I am dreading the conversation upon his return. Even more so now, as he told me today before he left that his boss was talking about laying him off next week. Though it's not for certain, it still makes me feel like that much more of an ass.

My heart is racing.

My lungs are shrieking.

My cat is shedding.

Valium... Gin... A big fat Cuban... Oh the endlessly tempting options at hand...

You have to consider everyday happens only once. You must not waste a single one. There will come a time when you will want more time so make sure you spend wisely. ~ BP

Missing

2010-09-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

For a moment there,
she thought she'd lost herself.

Then, she realized,

"It's true."

I Told You I Was Freaky Baby

2010-09-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

Let's make two life size cardboard cut outs of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions...

Bird's Eye View

2010-09-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

My sister is visiting for the week... we ended up at the North Island Recovery Centre, which is a non-profit organization that looks out for the Vancouver Island wildlife who are injured, orphaned or otherwise ill....

Albino Raven...

"NIWRA became internationally known when a local farmer unknowingly left a euthanised cow in a field for the eagles to eat. The cow had been euthanised with a barbiturate and should have been buried. Neighbours of the farmer began calling NIWRA when they discovered eagles lying lifeless on the ground. Due to the tremendous community support and the media, NIWRA, volunteers and veterinarians were able to save and release 25 of the 29 eagles that were found."

These eagles will eventually be released into the wild...

Teeth & Bone...

Silhouette...
Emily... what a cutie.

My own little wild animal...

Parksville Beach...

Sunday Dinners Make The World Go Round

2010-08-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

The warm rich aroma wafts through my nose as the Spanakopita cools, prompting me to pour myself a glass of red wine and sip on some anticipation. I am exploring the world Sunday nights in an attempt to bring home, home. Sunday dinner's at mom's... cooking together, sharing a meal and family-somewhat-togetherness, is something I have been missing. It started last weekend in Thailand... a green curry coconut dish with chicken, sweet potato, kaffir and jasmine rice...recipe compliments of the French artist I know who cracked Gabriel's secret code. Tonight, is Greece.... with the Spanakopita and Horiatiki Salata...aka Greek Salad. I didn't have time for Baklava. And I aspire to make it to every country. One big global culinary experiment. I love ethnic food, I really love cooking and I really really want you to come over for dinner because I have way too much Greek food over here...OPA!!!

Coach Ain't Nice

2010-08-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I thought I was dying. I came home with dried tears plastered to my sweaty face. Our derby coach, whom we love to hate, is making us beg for mercy and it was the first night I began to clue in as to how much more work I have to do on this nearly-thirty bod to get up the speed, endurance & strength I need to be a full force to be reckoned with.

I lay panting on the dead straw grass by the track, my heart clawing herself out of my ribcage. My muscles collapsed after twenty laps of hell and sharp corners. Before all of the drills and drops and slides and collisions. I smashed into my teammate full force when she suddenly stepped into my path. It was either her or the bordering pile of gravel. There wasn't much time to think about which one would be worse, in the end I took her out. Or should I say she took me out. Either way, it felt like I hit a brick wall at 100 miles per hour. To top it all off, coach made us run around the entire loop in our socks, hard cement vibrating our knee joints. I have not pushed my body to that extreme in a long time nor swore to myself such obscenities. But I lived to whine about it today and am in much less pain than had been expected.

We have scored a sweet deal at the gym for September and I've decided to give it another go. I don't mind gyms (when I can actually get my ass to commit) however I do mind crowded gyms and this one tends to be busy. Who wants to wait for equipment, especially in good weather.

I'm putting together a playlist to work out to. I've decided Google, you've let me down. I'm done googling you for good workout music. I mean, some of the discusting vomit you spew up... I refuse to workout to the Jonas Brothers! Or Justin Bieber. It's based on personal preference yes, but holy mother of Jebus is there anyone out there that has even a tiny similarity? Please lord.

I'm kind of in a hip-hop, rap, electro dance mood these days because it pumps me up and that's about all I need right now. I like the beats... Love it or hate it...it's a work in progress and, for a small fee, is available for your listening pleasure on the sidebar.

Beautiful - Eminem
Not Afraid - Eminem
Love Lockdown - Kanye West
Sexy Chick - David Guetta ft. Akon
Dynamite - Taio Cruz
Everybody - Rudenko (radio edit)
Dirty Picture - Taio Cruz ft. Ke$ha
Stronger - Kanye West
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris
Memories - David Guetta w/ Kid Cudi
Winner - Jamie Foxx
Body Bounce - Akon w/ Kardinal Offishall
Whatta Night - Ricky J
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi w/ MGMT
Run This Town - Jay Z & Rhianna
Yes - LMFAO
My Chick Bad - Ludacris
Electric Feel - MGMT
Give It To Me - Madonna
Love The Way You Lie - Eminem

What songs pump you up?

Human Meat Package

2010-08-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

PETA's latest shockvertising efforts at Times Square... for their Meat is Murder campaign. "All meat comes from somebody."

If that doesn't make you lose your appetite...

On Your Street

2010-08-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

Give me goosebumps...

Purple Progenitors

2010-07-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

"We inhabit the blue planet, but our knowledge of life underneath the blue surfaces of the ocean remains surprisingly limited. In reality, investigations of marine life have just begun, and it is only now, when we can utilize custom-built research ships and the finest modern technology, that we can learn how ecosystems in the oceans are structured and function."

Living fossils found along the undersea mountain chain that divides the Atlantic ocean lengthwise:

Purple Progenitor

"One of three new species of enteropneust acorn worm discovered during the mid-Atlantic survey, the creature has no eyes, no obvious sense organs, and no brain. "This is about as primitive as you can go," team member Monty Priede said. But, he added, "they've got a head end and a tail end—the basic body plan of vertebrates." Such living fossils 'represent the first mobile animals.' "

Interesting, don't you think?
More on the MAR-ECO website.

Roots In A Tree

2010-07-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

'You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose.'

I've been exploring my family of origin, going back to my roots in hopes of reconcilling some of the issues that are holding me back at this very point in my life. Anxiety, depression, anger, fear and recurrent relationship problems are often a result of unresolved issues from the past. This is not a new concept, but it certainly feels new when you explore it from a very personal angle. When you face it head on and demand to yourself that you make an attempt to resolve it, rather than pushing it aside and ignoring it as you have done thus far. It is easy to remain in that 'safe place' of delusion and denial. But I'm tired of being there, being stuck and in a constant haze.

I can definitely say I've grown immensely over the past few years, especially having 'left the family' and branched out on my own...moving to another province altogether and having to rely mostly on myself to meet my own needs. I still struggle with getting my needs met, or should I say meeting them. I'm not the most reliable person to myself. I'm further along from where I've come from, but not as far as I'd like to go. Obviously this is an ongoing endeavor. A lifetime of exploring, growing and discovery of the self. This should never cease.

I read this quote recently and it's kind of stuck with me: "Emotions are energies in motion. If they are not expressed, the energy is repressed. As energy, it has to go somewhere. Without our emotions we can't know where we are with our basic needs. Without our basic needs we cannot live as functional human beings. To deny our emotions is to deny the ground and vital energy of our life."

These repressed energies are a dark blanket of death on our souls. They eat away at our very heart, killing us slowly. You can try to ignore them, but they won't go away. The only solution is to fill their place with something brighter. Let the light in. And I'm not talking God here, though if that's what works for you by all means.

Healthy families allow for the expression of emotion. Dysfunctional families squash them. We develop survival behaviors in response to stressors - which can be in the form of an addiction (alcoholism, drug addictions, violence, abuse, rage, work addictions, etc) or things such as a divorce or death in the family. Each member of the family adapts to or attempts to control the stressor. The fight or flight scenario. Survival (denial, dissociation, repression, withdrawal, anger, reactions, reenacting behaviors or acting out, etc) often becomes the norm. And these patterns continue throughout life. Back then they were protective, now they are destructive.

Our families have a huge impact on who we become. However, we are constantly becoming and we don't have to be stuck in the same damaging cycles. We can change.

There is a ton of good information out there, some of which is very interesting...on the family system as a whole, what we learn as children and carry into our adult years, and of course the power of the mind.

Cement Kissed

2010-07-05T21:50:00.001-07:00

In the beginning, there were broken bones, cracked skulls, visits to ER and trips to the morgue. There were splintered wrists, smashed up knees, collapsed temporals and well, brains all over the cement.

Then... God created the helmet, the knee pads, the wrist guards and the elbow pads. All of this was done on the first day after.

Daily, we thank Him for his ingenuity as we take off in a mad dash, colliding into bodies at unbelievable speed. We catapult through the air not knowing which way is up or which is down, crash landing into the unforgiving cement. Our breath escapes in a whoosh and our eyes are thrown back into the cavernous pockets of our heads. A shock escapes the lips of observers as we lie there on the ground, stunned & speechless for a moment and gather our wits. But we don't give up. We get up.

Roller Derby. This ain't no game for pussies.

That which does not kill me makes me stronger ~ Nietzsche

I AM. Canadian. EH!

2010-07-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

Happy HST Day! A big shout-out to Gordon Campbell & the gov't for making our Canada Day extra memorable. Today marks the first day of our new tax: H.S.T. (Harmonized Sales Tax). Not that this is entirely new, as we've been anticipating this for months. Apparently 700,000 signatures on the 'No HST' petition means nothing to our leaders.

From this day forward, we British Columbians can look forward to paying a nice 12% tax on a whole new whack of things: restaurant bills, dry cleaning, electricity, heating, internet, home service calls by electricians, plumbers, carpenters, landscaping, lawn care, private snow removal, hotel rooms, taxis, campsites, domestic air, rail, boat and bus travel, magazines, home renos, car sales, gas, real estate commissions, massage therapy, vitamins, golfing, gym fees, sports lessons, live theatre tickets, hockey rink & hall rental fees, fitness training, haircuts, manicures, funeral services, legal fees, cigarettes, hunting/fishing licenses, investment portfolios. Yes, pretty much everything. Because we don't pay enough taxes already.

The good news? Starbucks is now offering FREE wi-fi! Maybe they feel badly about the HST hike on their lattes.

The even better news? Alcohol is going down.

And dammit, it is a day to be celebrated nonetheless!!!! Canada, our home and native land.

Cheers!

Heartbeats

2010-06-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

Repeat, please.

Mom, There's A Penis In My Pot

2010-06-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

I've been watching these little "thingies" growing in the soil of my rubber plant for the last week or so. When they first showed the top of their heads, I thought my plant must be growing a new stem. Strange, I thought as they are bright yellow and look nothing like the stem already towering above it. Today I realized that I am pretty sure it no longer looks like the start of a stem. It is one giant clusterfuck of bright yellow penises. Multiple sizes and shapes, growing steadily as we speak.

What, the...

Clearly this one's way over my head, so I dial my mother who thankfully is of the green thumb variety. She's not home. I ponder these strange happenings some more and watch an episode of the IT Crowd to distract my mind from thinking of... what I was thinking of. She calls back. I explain the situation as best I could without laughing, or mentioning the P word.

"Ahhh", she says, "You have a fungi". Immediately, I feel the colour drain from my face and my innards contort in discust. This was no longer a matter of simple curiousity and amusement. This was war. Some infectious contagious monster was living not only in my plant's home but my home... spreading it's toxic plague! I DON'T THINK SO! I took that sucker in one quick pull and out the door he went.

Unfortunately there is another one starting to grow and I don't know how many are going to spring up...so she suggested to remove all the soil, wash the plant with warm water and fill it with fresh dirt. All should be well by then. One would hope. Mother knows best.

I'm hoping this FUNGI did arrive in the soil, as I was informed that the spore of the fungus could have floated through the air and landed in the pot. It is right next to the window after all. Or worse, it could have already been inside the house and bright yellow penises could be sprouting up all over the place. The floor, the couch, the kitchen table. In that case I'm on the next train outta here!

The Small Words In My Body

2010-06-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Believer I am, but admit it:
words will not cure everything.
Breathless unless in the mouth,
on a page, they are crushed black spiders.
They have nothing to do with the details
that make a life.
Every language is different and none exact.

Close the books then.
They cannot cure this.
On the shelf they clench
each other, spines rigid with silence.

This beaten leather bag,
my body, these buckets of blood and bone.
They are my own.
There's no way to drain or erase
myself.

Openings do not close.
My blood writes a story
I cannot believe.

I crash in a sea of white sheets.
I sharpen my scissors
and select a knife.
I clip and slice
the small words from here.

And the splitting cells,
the tale whispering in my blood
cannot protest
but shreds to silence.
I scrape out the scrawl, this mistake.

As with my kinder nightmares,
I forget just as I wake.

By Karen Connelly

Crabnapped

2010-06-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

Leaving tranquility behind this weekend, I hopped the ferry and sailed across the Pacific to the mad-rat-race of Vancouver... to catch up with my mother visiting from the Prairies, my big sis & her kids from the Okanagan and a menagerie of local comical characters also known as 'the Relatives'.

We met at Crescent Beach for Greek at Pelagos, overpriced frozen milk at a sidewalk shop and a frolic in the sunny wet sand. My nieces had not yet seen the ocean, so this in itself was a huge thrill for them. Especially when the tide went out and we could walk along the sandbar.

Imagine their surprise while washing their newly collected shells on my uncle's patio, when out crawls a crab. Of course, this was the highlight of the evening as they fondled and harassed this poor discombobulated (I love that word) little crab. My niece insisted on taking it home with her to put it in her fish tank. She didn't believe us when we told her it would not survive the long ride to Kelowna, let alone being in a fresh water fish tank with other, larger, hungrier fish. We tried to explain that it needed salty ocean water... but her solution was to pour some tap water into the cup and dump in some table salt. Kids, they are so creative!

We awoke next morning to find the crab alive and well (somewhat) and it began again. The arguing, the crying, the insisting. Finally, she agreed that her aunt would take the crab back to the ferry with her and let him out on the beach. The things I get suckered into. Deep down though, the animal lover in me was relieved. Phew! All for a little crab.

They say their goodbyes and I crabsit the crab for a good portion of the rest of the day after they've left... Arriving at the ferry, I find that there is no way to get down to the water - as it was all fenced in. And of course, I could not just throw it off the side into the deep waters as it was still a young lad and the waters were churning. The crab had already been through so much!

So I carry my friend onboard and we sit up top in the sun. I read my book and take a break to open the hole-punched lid periodicly to check on the little guy, shielding him from the cold wind. By now, we've bonded. I tell him it's not much further. He knows I've lost my mind and other passengers look at me oddly. However, it is my mission of the day to get him to his new home safely. Once again, the area to the water is fenced off... so we drive, stopping along the way at one rocky access. However, in flip-flops, getting down there was treacherous, so we continued on to a more suitable location. Surprisingly enough, the crab survived the entire ordeal to find himself swimming away in the cool salty ocean waters of Nanaimo.

He didn't look back.

"As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

Battlefield

2010-06-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin' black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fuckers are doin jumpin jacks now

Is this the edge of sanity? Destruction. Heart on fire, a blazing pile of sizzling muscle. The smell of burning flesh and bone fills the stagnant air. Hot. Smoke. Black clouds hang low. Smouldering sinews once beating, now charred. The soul lingers above looking down, hopeful of something worth saving. And the fire rages on...I've never been one to which making decisions come easy. I consider it one of my biggest flaws.... though should I put some more thought into it, I would likely come up with others more enormous in proportion!

When I was "younger", I made decisions based on my immaturity...flown by the seat of my pants. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions... I just did it and paid later. Smartest thing to do? No. But did I learn from it? Yes. Sort of. Kind of? I don't know really. I would like to think that I have.

As I've grown "older" (old, young, it's all relative), I noticed that it takes me ages to decide upon something. Am I now overanalyzing a situation? Making things more complicated than they really are? It is a conscious choice I make to choose to make a choice. I have to force myself to just pick something. Pick one. Pick the other. Go with your gut. Go with your heart. Go with your head. Go bury your head under the sand. Do something. Anything.

I hate that this inability to choose has so much power over my life. And it's not because I don't want to choose, it's usually because I see the good and tend to overlook the bad. And the bad is what ultimately consumes. I'm stuck with this perpetual habit or curse should I say. Unable to choose, or choosing not to choose. Someone once told me years ago that not choosing is also a choice. Wise words those are. What am I afraid of? Why can I not choose? What is holding me back? I think I know what the right choice to make is, yet I do not make it. Why?

This is insanity. Doing the same thing, over and over again.

I pinch myself to find I am wide awake and screaming.

Time Travel

2010-05-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

I am only a woman. A living-breathing-feeling-hot-blooded woman. How can I escape these crazy thoughts...this crazy mind. That thinks this way and is driven to act most ridiculously. There is one thing for certain: I am a BIG FLIRT. There is no cure for this disease. At least, not yet.

It really doesn't help when an old flame from twelve years ago looks you up online and his gay friend also sends you a message saying 'he' was looking for 'you'... I mean, what is that? Where did this come from? It never went anywhere back then, so why is it coming up now? Years later? Unfinished business? A question of what-if? Or just purely what-is?

He was a drummer with a pony-tail. I pretended to play the flute. We flirted through high school band class and he made me blush like a tomato. (Apparently I still haven't out grown the whole tomato thing) We didn't date. We were never a couple. We never did more than make out like idiots. He shoved ice-cold slush down my shirt as we wrestled in the winter snow, shit-faced and face-washed, drowning my glow-blue-in-the-dark watch. That was a great watch by the way, and I'm still pissed about it.

We end up chatting as if there were no time lapse in between. Two big flirts. One chatty box. This could only mean trouble. Double-trouble.

I went to bed feeling strangely rejuvenated and woke up wondering why in hell I opened that can of worms.

This guy brings out my dark side and is driving me to drink. I'm still an ass. Still a flirt. Still know how to push those buttons. Still "Trouble". Will that ever change?

Though looking back on my life thus far... and should I ever have a chance to jump in a time-machine...I probably would have done things a little differently... maybe have skipped a few and focused on the one who was truly important.

I'm all strung out, my heart is fried.

Let's Make Out

2010-05-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

Images by Julia Randall in coloured pencil

Strong As The Roots Of A Big Old Gum Tree

2010-05-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

"Emphasis placed on the body and mind... as the heart is often somewhere behind...and it's strange"

This is, without a doubt, my favourite song right now. Kind of makes me all sentimental and such.

Turbans, Fezzes, Plaids, Bones & Flesh

2010-05-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

"Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal... In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning.

Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.

Next, in another cage I confined an Irish Catholic from Tipperary, and as soon as he seemed tame I added a Scotch Presbyterian from Aberdeen. Next a Turk from Constantinople; a Greek Christian from Crete; an Armenian; a Methodist from the wilds of Arkansas; a Buddhist from China; a Brahman from Benares. Finally, a Salvation Army Colonel from Wapping. Then I stayed away for two whole days.

When I came back to note results, the cage of Higher Animals was all right, but in the other there was but a chaos of gory odds and ends of turbans and fezzes and plaids and bones and flesh--not a specimen left alive. These Reasoning Animals had disagreed on a theological detail and carried the matter to a Higher Court."

~ Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth: Uncensored Writings.

OMG

2010-05-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

Usher, you can love me down, break me down... even if you're not shirtless.

A Three-Legged Dog Day Afternoon

2010-05-09T07:27:00.001-07:00

While hustling around my usual neighbourhood loop yesterday - tunes cranked, the sun warming my white legs, enjoying the early "everybody's still asleep" kind of Saturday morning - I came upon a three-legged Shepherd sniffing grass at the end of a driveway. He was so cute and I had a sudden notion to pick him up, toss him over my shoulders, gallop back to the house where we would be good friends and live happily ever after. Of course, I realized the error of my thinking ...1) I don't have the space for a dog right now, 2) my cat would probably tear his other three legs off and 3) he probably lives there and is taken care of by really nice people. So I carried on and that was that.

Later that afternoon, I noticed a post on a page that said to keep an eye out for a three-legged Shepherd that was spooked by guns at a firing range and went missing 2 weeks ago in Chemainus - which is about 35km from where I was contemplating the dognapping. 35km? A long shot, especially for a dog missing it's front leg. But 2 weeks ago? He could have made it up here, hobbling along. I mean, it's far, but not that far.

With this thought in mind, I was on the phone in a flash...however, after a few moments of trying to verbalize my excitement and the man on the other end trying to contain his own, we came to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the right dog. One was missing the back left leg, and the other, the front left leg. We discussed the absurdity of the situation...two very similar dogs, black, Shepherd, with brown legs, in the same vicinity and both of which who were missing a leg. I mean, what are the chances?! I told him I'd have another look and we hung up, hopeful yet disappointed.

Driving around the neighbourhood was futile. I considered soliciting houses of random strangers in hopes of finding this three-legged dog, but I was already running late for dinner. After asking everyone there if they knew of any such dogs in the neighbourhood, I found out that there was indeed a three-legged dog living at the very house I passed that morning.

Such is life.

I hope they find their dog.

Forgive Me For Laughing

2010-05-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

Well what an interesting way to start the day! Long lost 'sisters in christ', whom I've never even met or heard of, are moving out to the island and hunting me down! What do I have to do, move to Venus?

1. I'm a bit curious as to what on earth the aforementioned ladies in Edmonton would be talking about these past few years. I must have my picture on a wall under a big sign that says: "Fallen ~~Members~~ Non-Members"...."The Evil-Doers"..."The Devil's Children"... "These Lost Sheep Must Be Found"..."Do Not Talk To These Sinners, Pray For Them Instead!"..."They Once Were Saved, But Now Must Be Found!"...

2. Which one of you quacks are giving out my number? Call display. 'Nuff said.

3. How very interesting indeed. Interesting that you would say it's interesting to see my name on Facebook when clearly both my sisters...who by the way have no recollection of meeting you or giving you my number, so you must have meant my other sister (in christ) ...are on it AND now that I think about it... a bunch of people from that very same circle as well. Which raises the question...

4. Should I, or shouldn't I remove all contacts from said "holier-than-thou, hypocritical, backward-thinkin' patriarchal nonsense of a fundamentalistic cult?" when most, if not all, are people I have shared many deep conversations, much laughter, joy and a part of my life which has led me to be the person I am today. And who I really did consider to be genuine 'friends' of the more liberal sort, in this case. Not "that other type". Tough call. Because at the same time, I wonder if these so-called friendships are conditional... the remaining fragment of a hope that I will eventually find my way back to 'the light'. If that is the case, then what on earth is the point? And what about the idea of surrounding yourself with positive people who love, uplift, inspire, support, encourage and motivate you to be a better person? No hidden agendas. No gossiping about what somebody is doing "wrong"... what are they doing right?

Now that I've had my little rant, and some time to think about it...I have come to the realization that this person who contacted me through facebook is only doing what she believes is right. I believe it is from the heart. A naive and perhaps a lost-a-bit-herself kind of heart but still, a heart. I can appreciate where it is coming from because once upon a time, I was there myself.

But I finally saw the light.

To Die On A Treadmill

2010-05-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

Will Smith at his finest. Not only is he handsome, he's got brains AND heart to boot:

You don't try to build a wall.
You don't set out to build a wall.
You don't say I'm going to build
the biggest baddest greatest wall
that's ever been built.
You don't start there.
You say, I'm going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid.
You do that every single day and soon you have a wall.

Swy-a-lana Lagoon

2010-04-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Plush white figures grace
Cerulean skies
silhouetted by hungry gulls
on the qui vive

Asian fisherwoman
beneath fushia bonnet
casts her rod delicately
while fish scatter

The Godfather theme
its sombre strain
departs violin fingers
aged like Dom Perignon

Lucy paddles in
dangling salmon her lure
gaping nostrils eat air
wondering eyes examine

Dragon boats glide
guided by rhythmic cadence
reminiscent of Viking fleets
commencing battle

Child holds melted rainbow
while frolicking magic kingdoms
ignoring sand-filled shoes and
kisses from the sun

Old friends laugh
contagiously
sprawled casually
across Emerald carpets

Eccentric drunk babbles
to his bored cat
as the Hoity-Toity averts
embarrassed

People gather
united by curiousity
as unsuspecting Dungeness
enjoy Last Supper.

2010-04-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

The Get Out Migration ~ April 23-May 8... is a walk for wild salmon, happening on Vancouver Island now - to bring awareness to the Canadian government that we need to get salmon farms out of our BC waters. Farmed salmon are destroying our salmon.

Wild Pacific salmon are "anadromous", meaning born in fresh water. They migrate to the ocean, then return home to spawn and die. They can travel thousands of kilometres in their lifetime and still find their way back to the place they were born. Many don't make it back.

There's a wild salmon fish hatchery (more than one obviously) on the island where you can go and see all these salmon pooling in the fall; they've found their way back to their home waters and are at the end of their life. There's a viewing room where you can look at the salmon floating around half-dead. They slice open the bellies of the female and bucket the eggs in order to keep the cycle going. Gory, but necessary! The whole life cycle of the salmon is fascinating.

The biggest issues with farmed salmon are sea lice, which attack the baby salmon as they head out to sea...killing them off before they even have a chance, and competition. These Atlantic farmed salmon are escaping into our BC waters and out-competing our fish for habitat and food.

We need to do something about it before we lose all our fish.

Farmed and Dangerous - Educate yourself

Get Out Migration Itinerary - Join in on the fun

Stop buying and selling industrial farm fish.

Fish Farms Get Out of our Oceans!

The Equivocal Woman

2010-04-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

last night, fear.
dark, dull pulse
barely beating

i am a coward

who cannot open her eyes
who cannot see
who cannot face
who cannot overcome

my heart
is building
a stone wall
to keep you
Out.

The Eggs Are A-Cookin'

2010-04-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

A man by the name of Doug Carrick mounted a camera at the top of a Douglas fir on Hornby Island, looking down upon an eagle's nest. Since then, he's broadcasted the daily lives of two Eagles... including three successful hatching of little Eaglets. Totally cool! Apparently, the Eagles did notice and were caught candidly scrutinizing the camera (picture ©hornbyeagles.com) Ma & Pa Eagle are right now incubating two eggs and they are expected to hatch this weekend!

Being the animal-lovin' nut that I am, I must say I find this completely intriguing:

The Hornby Island Eagle's Webcam

“With the camera, we could see every detail of their behaviour. I knew right away that this was really something remarkable. There were a lot of things I saw for the first time, especially the relationship between the two eagles. The female is the boss of the nest with the male rather timorous when near her. She is the larger of the two, tougher and more aggressive. He would bring a branch to the nest and she would grab it from him and put it in place. But he wanted a say in it also and would tug on the other end of the branch. Such tug-of-war contests would happen often and sometimes for as long as ten minutes. It wasn’t all marital harmony.” ~ Doug Carrick

Love Save The Empty

2010-04-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

No Pants, No Panties, Nowhere To Hide!

2010-04-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

I had a feeling it was going to happen, and damn it, I was right!

It was up to the Nanaimo lakes today for some fresh mountain air... way out in the wilderness where bears and cougars roam free. Let me just say for the record: I absolutely love it out there...save for the fact that there is nowhere for this city girl to "go" besides the bush. Peeing in the bush is NOT MY FORTE!

I can handle pretty much anything else...I'll dust the ash & dirt off my smokie and take a bite out of it after it's fallen on the ground beside the campfire. I'll sleep on a hard rocky ground and wake up shivering in a tent after a night of rain, or worse: scorching in the morning sun. I'll run down a never-ending trail to the outhouse in the middle of the night alone with my flashlight-doubling-as-a-bludgeon, imagining wild predator eyes staring out from the trees and evil goblins lurking. I'd even go a few days without a hot shower & soapy suds, if I had to. But peeing in the bush? This just something that I really, really don't like to do and won't do unless absolutely necessary. For good reason too, I mean today was a perfect example.

I spent a good ten minutes wandering through trees, trying to stake out the "perfect" spot. One with coverage. Good coverage from all angles. Of course, I eventually realized I was just procrastinating, putting off what I didn't actually want to do. I finally gave up and picked a "will-do" spot. There was a road above me, and water below down the hilly bank. I remembered the truck I had seen across the lake earlier and had a fleeting vision of it driving by while I was doing my deed. But I thought, nah... this will just take a second, it'll be done and over with by the time they get in their truck to go in any direction, let alone the chances of it coming in my direction.

Because I am the way I am, I had decided it's probably best to just take my pants right off, along with the panties so there is NO CHANCE of things going awry. I mean, I've had success in the past, but I've also had a few failures and that just ain't pretty.

So I bare all and grin it and am squatting there in the bush, exposed to any creature with eyes wandering the foliage, the chilly breeze investigating my bare skin..... when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my left eye I see movement. White. Truck. OH MY GOD it's the truck from across the lake! They are nearly on top of me... a few more feet and they'll have one hell of a show.

I grab frantically for my pants and miss my panties and am already stumbling trying to get my leg in with my shoes on, trying to keep my balance as I'm reaching for my fallen panties while trying to get my other leg in, then stuffing them in what I think is the pocket but really it's the knee and the truck is right there in front of me, so I dive for it, down the hill with my ass hanging out, tripping on fabric and sticks, trying to launch myself behind whatever kind of cover I can find, but there isn't any and I am rolling down the hill at this point on my knees, my hip, my elbow.

I finally found a stump to stick my half-naked self behind and flattened myself on the ground panting as the tail end of the truck disappeared from my sight. I cursed at the trees between fits of laughter and finally figured out how to put everything back on again.

I don't know if I wiped. I don't even remember peeing. But all I can say is it'll be a long time before I take my panties off.

Anarchy on the West Coast

2010-04-02T16:40:00.001-07:00

What is up with this rainstorm?
Why did I go out?
Why did I come home?

The power was out all morning. Pretty much across town, all day. I don't like peeing in the dark. My cat went insane. I've never seen the wind blow so hard in all of my twenty nine years. It blew me across the street and into a pile of water. The ocean is alive with angry waves.

The traffic is nuts. I took the inner route to avoid the highway winds, but everyone else had the same idea. People can't drive worth shit. Everyone in town went shopping. Chapters was a zoo. Thank GOD for Starbucks in every store, not so much the lineups, but I bought a book.

Had to feel my way to the checkout in the grocery market in pitch black while everybody ran around screaming bloody murder, stuffing their pockets and knocking aisles down (ok that part didn't actually happen, but it would be fitting) I've never been in a grocery store without the glaring lights and hum of refrigeration.

I couldn't see through the windshield and hydroplaned all the way home to find the boat shed whatchamacallit had done a sommersault into the neighbour's house, was flipped right over, ripped to shreds, banging against their siding...the garbage can halfway down the street along with everything that was under the shed. All I could say was HOLY. SHIT. as I sat there in the truck stunned. It was a beautiful sight of pure destruction by the queen bee herself: Mother Bloody Nature. I called some strong men to please get the hell over here before that damn shed chisels a hole in that damn blue house and as I write they are out there in the pouring rain dismantling the flimsy giant.

My cat is under the bed licking himself dry and I, with my wet feet, will be changing my socks, making some tea, curling up under a blanket and reading my shiny new book. This rain and wind better let up or I'm not coming out.

Winnipeg

2010-03-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yet another sleepless night. My mind was loco. Thoughts in the dark. I keep myself up. Out of nowhere I thought of Winnipeg.

It was June, I was 21 and having been as far East as the Alberta-Saskachewan border, excited to be venturing out, looking out a window on a nearly deserted plane. I was on my way to a leadership development course through the Centre for Christian Studies at the University of Winnipeg (for at that time I was highly involved in the music and youth activities at 'my mother's church').

This indie guy behind me struck up conversation as we gathered luggage from overhead compartments. We walked and laughed by the baggage carousel and his name was Cory.

I was arriving. He was arriving home. I had no idea where I was going. He knew the town like the back of his hand. He suggested we share a cab. I considered my options. It was a short long ride and at the end he offered his number. Said to call, he'd show me around. I did.

We met for an early dinner. He was a traveller, been all around the world and met people of all kinds. An interesting and cultured fellow. I was a wide-eyed girl from a big city. We drank some beer and wandered the streets of downtown, heritage Winnipeg. Past the parliament across the bridge. Admiring buildings. Stopping for coconut Gelato. Playing trivial pursuit with one another's history and budding philosophies. He was a few years older. But not by much. He walked me back to the entrance of my building where we shared an embrace and continued on. Mother-like figures awaited, worried but relieved.

We met again. He introduced me to his sister, in their home. We walked and talked and laughed some more. Chilled to the sounds of an ecclectic funk band with a female singer. Downed coke and rye and were consumed by giddiness. Pure and innocent fun between two souls who became fast friends for two weeks. We said we'd keep in touch. But, like others, ours had come to its end... full circle. And we moved on.

I met others during my time in Winnipeg... where I spread my wings and investigated my faith amongst a memorable group of coloured characters, a very liberal and feminist group of mostly women, a gay dude and a transvestite, where we challenged biblical patriarchy and partook in the gay pride parade and festivities. Few of us stayed in touch over the years... getting together for coffee and music, and writing emails. I learned of the suicide of one and wondered what went wrong, though we will never know. Gradually, we have all lost touch with each other. But have perhaps found more of ourselves along the way. These are some of the people that influence our lives, that challenge our views and give us more insight into life than we could ever hope to find by ourselves. People we share only a brief span of time with, but their memories and influence last a lifetime, if only just to remember here and there along the way.

For them, I'm grateful.

Cops Gone Bad

2010-03-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

Just because you wear a uniform and carry a gun...doesn't make this right. I mean, these guys weren't even resisting. It's a case of the asshole cop with something to prove. I hope there are consequences for your actions. This is no way to uphold the law. What a joke.

A-Bout

2010-03-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

I drove down to Victoria yesterday to watch a roller derby bout and see my Grandma. The highway was a gong show and I'm not sure who lets these psychos out of the hospital. We had fish and chips at Fish on 5th in Sidney...

...which by the way has a teeny tiny parking lot. I overestimated my ability to squeeze into the end stall and try as I might just couldn't get in there! The food was awesome and it's a pretty happening place. When we left there was a line all the way to the street. We did some shopping along main street where I collided with a glass candle holder. Remarkably, it did not break and I apologized profusely for my clumsiness to the stern-faced cashier. Grams and I had a lovely time and she insisted on making dinner for us before I left for the bout, rather late and not knowing where in hell I was going. Having a map book is always a plus though and thankfully it wasn't too hard to find.

When I arrived, one minute to start time the line was miles long & the centre was jam packed. I didn't get in until 40 minutes later and it was standing room only by that time. Luckily, this hot chick (with a new haircut) on her way out for a smoke break spotted me and we zig zagged back to the seat she was supposed to save me which we stole from this guy's invisible friend. The bout was wicked, the Eves of Destruction kicked the Riot Girls asses and all I can say is I cannot wait to get my skates back on.

Hive Goth My Mind Made Up, You Goat Maya Art Uno

2010-03-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

This is quirky fun.

Law of Attraction: Small Book, Big Ideas

2010-03-11T19:13:00.000-08:00

The science of attracting more of what you want, and less of what you don't want... I've heard a lot about this book, "The Law of Attraction," so I decided to steal it from the library and read it. It's a quick read and actually I ended up flipping through the last half because it's a bit corny overall. Yes, there I said it.

I did like the overall concept, and I mean this is what we've got to do isn't it... look at the actual message, the bigger picture and how it can be applied to real life. You take the good with the bad. On with the good.

The biggest question to ask is "What do I want?" It all comes down to this question. Once you figure this out, everything falls into place (with a little work here and there I might add). Once you figure it out, you can focus your attention on it.... you can "allow" it to happen in your life. Basically, you attract into your life whatever you think about. It works along the lines of energy. Positive vs negative energy or vibes. Like one big magnet of attraction.

It doesn't go into much detail on the "science behind it all" - and that I think would be interesting to investigate. But there is truth in the idea of energy and the power of the brain.

The idea of constrast comes into play - the things you don't like, don't want, doesn't 'feel good' or causes you to be in a negative mood. If you are focusing on these things, giving it attention you will end up getting more of the same. So by looking at this kind of thing, the "contrast" in your life, you can turn it into clarity. The "clarity through contrast" process. List the things you don't like and turn them into things you do like, or would like in the future. For example, looking back on past relationships, I would be tempted to say "I don't want someone who is angry." The focus being on the don't want, rather than the do want. "I do want someone who is positive and strives to control his/her emotions." And this, is what I would focus on attracting.

It book also talks about doubt, and limiting beliefs. We all have them. The reasons we "can't" do something. I'd like to do this, but I can't because of that. Well throw that junk out of your head and ALLOW it. Think of reasons why you could. (I'm sure there's a quote about that kicking around out there somewhere, focusing on why you can instead of can't do something...)

None of the ideas in the book are really anything "new" but it's all about where you focus your thoughts and energy... manifesting what you actually want, instead of the patterns and cycles of what you don't want...but keep getting. The mind is a powerful thing, so yes, I believe this could and actually does work, to the extent that we allow it, and contribute to its success.

"Positive and negative emotions cannot occupy the mind at the same time. One or the other must dominate. It is your responsibility to make sure that positive emotions constitute the dominating influence of your mind." ~ Napolean Hill

So, what do you want?

What and How

2010-03-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

"It's not what you say, but how you say it."

That's what I was told today, after having inquired about the most important thing you have learned so far. She, the learned... being a colleague of mine. Interesting timing, I must say.

I love these kinds of questions. But most of all I love the answers. They are the answers which inspire you to act, rather than react. Though you never can replace the ACTUAL experience of it all no matter how tough it may be sometimes, in this thing called life and living there is solace in words, in wisdom.

We can gain so much from the experience of others...the value of lives lived and currently being lived.

What we gain, is owned by each of us. In whatever way fits. And sometimes, the wisdom doesn't make sense until later. I find it comforting to have these tidbits along the way to reflect upon, to use somehow. Life is only what you make it.

What is important, matters. Words, matter. What you do with words, matters more. It's not what you say, but how you say it.

What we say is more than just words. Everything comes into play. Our underlying emotions, gestures, body language, expressions, what we stress, our tone, the sheer volume or lack thereof, the cues we give to what's really going on. We take into account the listener. I know I've struggle with this aspect of it... finding "the right words" - trying to word things so they don't come off the wrong way...... sometimes this is bloody impossible and I say things I regret later, though they are often things that need to be said - it's just the way I say them that is damaging.

On the other hand, and this is more often the case, I refrain from saying things I wish I would say because I don't want to hurt the person on the other end, put a dent in or risk a friendship, or I start to doubt the validity of my own thoughts and needs. In the end I only end up hurting myself. It's insecurity. Fear. Lack of confidence. Easy to name, hard to overcome. I really feel that this is one of my biggest barriers sometimes.

~~I just wish I had the answer.~~ I wish I knew how to put the answers into action.

Love Made Visible

2010-03-04T20:13:00.001-08:00

Deconstruction Period

Red Carnation

The Amber Woods

Rose

Fire Tower

Scintillating Venuses

Rose Zephyr

Hot Artist With Paint Brush

"Artwork is love made visible" - Kris Lewis

Visit his site for more of his work

OH YEA!

2010-03-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Because we just need to see this one again:

Inspired by Martin @ This Rugged Life

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

2010-03-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope." Gigi

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

Deadman

2010-02-28T23:47:00.000-08:00

Oh Ron. You are the king. What would I do without your music?

You've been talking about love
But you ain't been talking about me
No you ain't been talking about me

That Which We Are, We Are

2010-02-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a "personal mission statement" (at the same time trying to conjure up a less hokey name for it) having found the idea in the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People".

Realizing, of course, that it is not quite so easy as I first thought it may be. This is not the surface...this goes deep into the very essence of who you are.

What do I value? What are my principles? What is the basis of all my decisions? What guides my life? What is my purpose? What do I want out of life? What do I want to achieve? What can I give back to this world?

I've got somewhat of a plan for the future. It's far from complete though I ask myself: will it ever be complete? Should it ever be complete? It bends, it stretches, it transforms, it evolves as I evolve. We are constantly evolving. And if not, we must ask why is that?

The thing is, there are no rules but my own. I can change it, add to it. I can scrap it altogether if I so decide, though how that would be a benefit I am not certain. It can take a week, a month, however long to coalesce all these bits and pieces of who I am into something I can use as an inspiration, a reminder, a guide in building a life of purpose. I want to live a life of purpose.

At this point, I have no idea what my purpose is.

"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Fifty Bucks Poorer, But Money Well Spent

2010-02-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

Well, shit. I've had better days. Making ~~mistakes~~, ~~"mistakes"~~, ~~silly mistakes~~, forgetting to do something yesterday.... (because I happened to be distracted by an inspiring conversation about the West Coast Trail).... that is SO RIDICULOUSLY UNIMPORTANT.... and then hearing about it first thing this morning.... followed by one problem after another after another for the rest of the morning & having the stress of other people thrust upon my inner sanctum.... and then not really getting where I wanted to on this one project....was not really much fun to be quite frank. Ten years ago, the little girl inside may have in fact walked right out of the doors, never to return again... However, that was then and this is now...I'm fairly certain I must have learned something over the years and I actually do really really reallllllly love my job and the incredible folk I am fortunate to know.

I have to learn to not take things so personally. I have to learn to eliminate those thoughts in my head... "you're a failure", "they hate you", "why can't you have all the answers", "you are not smart enough". And realize, that this is not the case. Yes, people get upset and react. Yes, sometimes people make a big deal out of the little things. But learn to deal with it. Learn to channel it into something positive... constructive criticism. If you can't solve that problem, figure out why. Figure it out, research, talk to the genius. IT'S OK. You are not an idiot because of it. You just have an area of focus now. YOU CAN DO THIS!

So on my lunch break, I decided I needed some music...I walked down to Fascinating Rhythm and found three gems, which of course I enjoyed while the afternoon wore on. The day became so much better, and it's amazing what a little bit of music, and a seawall walk with a friend can do.

She & Him Volume 1=LOVELY
(M. Ward & Zooey Deschanel)

Dirtbag

2010-02-21T10:33:00.000-08:00

Dear SOB,

7:30 am on a Sunday morning is not the time to tear up the neighbourhood asphalt with your obnoxious dirt bike...

Especially while shooting exhaust fumes along the route of those who have decided to go for a peaceful morning walk, enjoy the sun and the sound of birds singing.

And waking up the neighbours who decided to sleep in....Not nice.

You are a big jerk.

Take a soil sample.

Sincerely,

The gal down the street

Eyes and Balls

2010-02-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

The eyes are the window to the soul, they say. I find it so amusing just how much my cat communicates with his eyes... the fact that he will sit there and wait until we've made eye contact, and then tilting his head to one side, he meows in an attempt to tell me just exactly what he would like me to do for him. He looks so funny when he looks to one side and the whites of his eye appears. This got me thinking...besides the fact that he's another species altogether, why are his eyes larger...or the whites of his eyes smaller, than mine. Yours. Humans. I wondered if there was a reason, or if it just simply was. Of course, I had to go investigate. Curiousity killed the cat, but it only makes us humans all the wiser.

What I learned was... and I'm sure this was covered in my high school bio class in between pushup competitions against the instructor and discussions on her picking up poop along trails to figure out what kind of animal pooped it. I will never forget that crazy woman, Ms Ferbie.... the white of the eye is called the "sclera" and basically it is white because there is no pigment. (Really?!) Also, the sclera of a child is quite thin so it appears slightly blue (as it shows the underlying pigment) and the sclera of an old timer is yellowish because of fatty deposits.

There are actually some theories out there as to why our eyes have more visible white than other mammals. In fact, humans are the only mammal in which this occurs. Think about it.

Cougars:

Gorillas:

Even the cold-blooded. Lizards:

Why is this?

The Cooperative Eye Hypothesis... which suggests that the eyes evolved this way to make it easier for humans to follow each others gaze while communicating or working together on something (especially while in close contact, or in silence - ie. hunting). This theory was tested out with infants and apes using 4 different movement scenarios... the apes were more inclined to pay attention when the entire head moved, whereas the infants noticed the eyes.

Other theories suggest perhaps they are white to show a sign of good health, for potential mating. Physical attraction. Or to promote altruistic behaviour within the social group. Once we knew that cooperation was beneficial, if not necessary for survival - we developed language, social rules, norms, etc., to honour this idea of unselfish concern for others. Communicating with the eyes is probably what started it all. If you think about when one is angry and frowning, the whites of the eye gets smaller, hidden in a way. As if to hide the intention. To ready oneself for battle? And if a physical fight were to occur, this would be an aide, no doubt. It closes the communication, leaves the next move to guesswork.

So very interesting, the whites of the eyes.

But if you would prefer another colour, there's always the option.

Dear Anaïs Nin

2010-02-16T03:48:00.000-08:00

I have never felt more alone in all my life. I cannot sleep. I cannot breathe. If you were alive, I would run to you right now. Even if I had to walk every step of the way, I would travel straight, the miles and miles to find you; to seek solace in your words, your depth, your insight. You would be the one to convince me that everything will be alright. We would drink tea and drown sorrow and throw our dreams into space like a kite. Woman to woman...

"I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."

Bad Timing

2010-02-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, the earliest ferry on Friday to Vancouver is 6:30 am. So I would have to leave the night before to make it to Stanley Park in time to see you carry the torch just after 7:00 am. And there's no way I'd be back in time for work.

Sand

2010-02-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

This sand animation was originally created for the opening of a WWII memorial. Xenia Simonoff's moving interpretation:

The Past & Present Mingle

2010-02-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly...Rumi.

Confidence. This is the word I chose to guide me through this year. To keep in mind. To work on. The word of the year. Words are powerful. "Actions speak louder than words." Someone♥ once said this to me. Truer words were never spoken. I know this...boy, do I know. I also know that confidence is an action word.

I'm not just going to "get" confidence. I wish it were that easy. Like plucking stars from the midnight sky. The confidence I have "gotten" has been through hard work, experience and time. And believe me, I've got a lot of getting to do, that will take more than a year. Many years in fact. But it's a start. The focus being on the journey, not the destination.

I drove down to Courtenay last weekend to reconnect with an old friend and had not been yet, so it was an adventure in navigation. A navigation in heart as well. It was incredibly rejuvenating & insightful. To just follow the road and get lost in thought. Music my only companion. Awake and dreaming. One of my favourite things to do.

Having some time to kill before her concert, I wandered the shops downtown & found myself at the Zocalo cafe, sipping on tea & listening to live Jazz music. Pure bliss.

I must say, I enjoyed my company. I'm enjoying a lot of it these days and I do believe it is important to spend time with yourself, alone; without the distraction of every day life.

I've been delving into the past a little bit in hopes of finding some answers on how I've ended up where I am today. The good, the bad and the ugly. This isn't the 'be all end all', but it does provide some insight. What got me thinking about it, was an old report card of mine I found while going through my desk. Dear old Mr. Yardley. You weren't my favourite teacher of all time, but Grade 6 was fun. I did love playing Capture the Flag.

"Kerstin loves to get lost in a book, a quality to be greatly admired. Occasionally, these literary reveries could be better timed."

"Kerstin needs to listen better in class time."

"I continue to urge Kerstin to seek guidance when she is unclear of what to do. Of course, listening better the first time would also help."

"She certainly enjoys the company of her classmates, occasionally to excess. Determining when and how to have fun is what Kerstin is working on learning."

"Kerstin's teasing occasionally goes too far. She needs to learn when to stop."

"I was disappointed to notice the return of off task mind wandering. It would be nice to have more of Kerstin's attention."

"She seems to be spreading her wings."

I seem to have been quite the little space cadet. But what I find most hilarious, is that to this day I am still just this silly little girl...lost in the clouds, in her own little world. Making up alternate realities, or finding one in a book, a movie, a lackluster love - remnant of a sick pattern. To escape what is, what was, what will be. To escape her fears, her insecurities, her heartaches, her pain.

Something is lacking here.

However, the future looks bright.

"Mine is the night with all her stars..."

L-L-L-L-l-l-l-o-v-e

2010-02-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

Love, Love, Love is in the air...
Valentine's day crap is everywhere...

Let's not get into that right now.

I do admit that I am truly excited to see that Valentine's Day moving coming out next week. Whowouldvethunkit. Damn me for seeing the preview last night.

Gary Chapman came up with this seemingly original idea of the 5 universal love languages. How people express and interpret love. How two people may give or take love in different ways. (Funny how that could ever happen!) How to connect with your loved one with intimacy and fulfillment!!!

These are the 5 love languages:

Words of Affirmation. aka compliments & lovey dovey talk
Quality Time. aka undivided attention, really being there
Receiving Gifts. aka thoughtful gifts or gestures
Acts of Service. aka easing the burden, helping out
Physical Touch. aka physical touch including, but not limited to sex

I remember hearing about it back when I had Christian friends...as it's based on those kind of principles. Still, I think it applies and could be in fact rather useful in life, relationships, love, even friendships. Interestingly enough, Chapman figures that we are drawn to those who speak a different love language than our own. (Adding to the already complicated mix known as re-la-tion-ship-s!) So I guess the solution is to figure out what your language is, figure out what language your partner speaks and then ~~if they are different, run.~~ keep that in mind when you express your eternal love for that person.

The verdict is out on moi:

6	Words of Affirmation
9	Quality Time
0	Receiving Gifts
3	Acts of Service
12	Physical Touch

What's your love language?

Find out here

Memory

2010-02-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

You have to begin to lose your memory, if only in bits and pieces, to realize that memory is what makes our lives. Life without memory is no life at all, just as an intelligence without the possibility of expression is not really an intelligence. Our memory is our coherence, our reason, our feeling, even our action. Without it, we are nothing. ~ Luis Buñuel

Everywhere I Go

2010-01-30T00:12:00.000-08:00

This song gives me the shivers...wow.

Tell me how's the way to be...

Tell me how's the way to go...

Tell me all that I should know...

(Download the mp3 here!)

To The Batcave!

2010-01-23T00:18:00.000-08:00

Cham-pi-on. Pronunciation [cham-pee-uhn] –noun
1. a person who has defeated all opponents in a competition so as to hold first place:
2. a person who fights for or defends any person or cause: a champion of the oppressed.
3. a fighter or warrior.

I have been thinking about a conversation I had a while back with the Magic Man, one of the most positive, stable, fearless great souls I know. He is my rock. We haven’t spoken in what seems like ages, but his words of wisdom appear like magical comedic bursts of strength before my eyes when I am up against my adversaries: negativity (Pow!), indecisiveness (Wham!), low confidence (Bam!), fear (Ka-Pow!), and on and on.

The battle is not yet won, but it is one worth fighting.

We were discussing life and other topics that seem to ravage the brain, like men, and part of the advice he gave was that you need to find someone “Strong enough to be your Champion.” Simple as that. (But there he goes telling a woman who tends to overcomplicate everything!)

I pondered his advice for a long while.

What I eventually realized is what if I don’t find what I am looking for? What if I spend all this time searching for something that may not magically appear in my life? I am not a magician; I can’t just make that kind of thing happen. It’s outside of my control. It would all be a ridiculous game of waiting, and hoping, wishing and wanting. Blah! I am a dreamer (though I'm not the only one), but I must draw the line somewhere.

So the solution is, that I will find within me that someone “strong enough to be my Champion.” I will be my own champion. I will champion the cause, which is my life. I will defeat all of my opponents. I am a fighter AND a fierce warrior. Some strengths are stronger than others, but it all comes from within. If I’ve gotten this far, I can go farther.

I like what Arnold♥ said on becoming a champion:“The only way to be a champion is by going through these forced reps and the torture and pain. That’s why I call it the torture routine. Because it’s like forced torture. Torturing my body. What helps me is to think of this pain as pleasure. Pain makes me grow. Growing is what I want. Therefore, for me pain is pleasure. And so when I am experiencing pain I’m in heaven. It’s great. People suggest this is masochistic. But they’re wrong. I like pain for a particular reason. I don’t like needle’s stuck in my arm. But I do like the pain that is necessary to be a champion.”

That can be applied to real life.

The 12 Traits of Champions by Tom Venuto. Google will show you the way to the full version, but in semi-short:

(1) Champions are positive thinkers; they believe in themselves.
Undoubtedly the most important quality that all champions share is an unwavering belief that they will succeed. Champions always look for the good in every situation. No matter what obstacles they encounter, they always continue to think positive. Without confidence, faith in your abilities, and positive mental attitude, you’ve defeated yourself before you ever step onstage.

(2) Champions visualize their successes.
Champions understand the importance of positive mental imagery or visualization. They do this over and over in their minds hundreds or even thousands of times before it becomes physical reality.

(3) Champions surround themselves with positive people and avoid negative influences.
Champions keep themselves in a "positive shell" and do not associate with negative people, places, or things.

(4) Champions are goal setters.
Champions realize that if they don’t know where they’re going, that is exactly where they’ll end up; nowhere! Champions consistently set long and short-term goals. From day to day workout goals to long term career objectives, champion’s have written out specific, measurable goals with a deadline.

(5) Champions have a burning desire to succeed.
Champions not only have goals, but they ardently desire them. They want it and they want it badly.

(6) Champions are disciplined and consistent.
Champions live and breathe the lifestyle all year round. They know there is no off-season and success does not come overnight.

(7) Champions are persistent.
Champions never, ever quit. They know that if they persist long enough, eventually they must succeed.

(8) Champions learn from their failures.
Champions don't view losses as failures, they see them as learning experiences. Champions know that they haven’t failed until they quit; but once they quit, then they have failed. A champion finds a lesson in every apparent loss and finds ways to grow from it.

(9) Champions have incredible powers of focus and concentration.
Champions set goals and then maintain a laser-like focus on them. They have the ability to always keep the long term objective in their sights while focusing 100% on what they are doing at the moment.

(10) Champions have a deep love and boundless enthusiasm for the sport.
To a loser, training and dieting is work and drudgery. To a champion, training and dieting are a love, a joy, and a passion. Champions are enthusiastic about what they do; they can’t wait to train each day. Champions are doing what they love, so to them it’s not work at all, its fun!

(11) Champions strive for constant and never ending improvement.
Champions are never satisfied with the status quo; they never rest on their laurels. Champions aim for small improvements every day in every way. Champions are open-minded and are always looking for a better way to do things. Although champions are always striving for more, they also realize that success is a journey, so they enjoy each moment and savor every step along the way.

(12) Champions are hard workers; they are willing to go the extra mile.
Positive thinking, goal setting, visualization, desire, persistence, and enthusiasm are vital, but without action and hard work, these traits are all worthless. Champions take consistent action and they are willing to do the things that the losers are not. In short, they go the extra mile.

Dirty Laundry

2010-01-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a date with myself at the laundromat. How fun. It was a great joy walking into the stifling humid stench of an individual who obviously refuses to bathe.

Most of the time, I'm very tolerant of people but this is one thing I can't understand because you look like you could be a normal young guy in real life, and quite frankly it pisses me right off. Can. You. Not. Smell. Yourself? Why. Do. You. Not. Care?

Yes, we are all human - hence the reason for showers and cologne and all that good stuff. I'm sorry if you only get to the laundromat once a month, but really, if you stopped playing World of Warcraft 24/7, had a shave and transported yourself back into the real world you would understand why people are holding their shirts up to their nose when they walk by and tsk -tsk -ing you when you forget to say thank you as they hold the door open. Manners. Gotta have them.

Let me just say, that I am so thankful for people (especially men! mmm, your cologne so good, so sexy) who take pride in personal hygiene, and have enough common sense to realize the importance of manners & etiquette.

It's only a few more days until front loaders are installed. It wasn't so bad, I survived as did the others. Light at the end of the tunnel. Hallelujah!

And luckily across the way there is a Starbucks. I was able to escape for a while with Ayn Rand narrating her philosophy to me while I inhaled the invigorating aroma of Arabica beans. And I shrugged, with Atlas.

On normal days, I love doing laundry. I love having fresh bedding to cozy up to at night. I love hanging my clothes outside on a line, they smell so divine; there's the retro factor and it's one of those things you can do while you clear your head... the joys of simple day-to-day tasks.

With no yard or line, this is not so easy, and I'm not sure what the neighbours think with my clothes strewn over the railings and hanging from awnings. The panties stay indoors, however. I refuse to use the dryer unless I have to. Planet friendly. It's a huge waste of energy, money and clothes last way longer. How many million dryers are there out there, running daily, hourly? Shit! I'd be happy without a dryer to begin with.

And I guess I always wondered. With about 20 dryers going at the laundromat as well as the many washers, whether or not we are heightening our risk of cancer. Electromagnetic frequencies=Radiation=Ionization=Damage of the D.N.A.=Cancer? It all adds up over time.

Well, at least my clothes are clean.

It's A Drag

2010-01-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

Supporting friends has never been more amusing...

The Permanent Theme Which Prevails Over All Others Is The Persistence of Desire

2010-01-17T16:57:00.001-08:00

You found me

In my dreams
Spanning reality
A vivid clear

Words lingered
Suspended between
Two long lost souls
Passionately entwined
An eternal embrace

I awoke heavy hearted
Thunder beneath my ribs
On the verge of tears

Reality intervenes
As you drift away
Like the ebb of the tide
Returning to sea

The Underwire Fell Out, Again! #&@*!

2010-01-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

When I'm angry, I clean like a 1950s housewife. I don't know what it is but there's something therapeutic about scrubbing a bathtub or washing the wall or throwing all my belongings out, while blaring music such as Basement Jaxx, or the likes thereof.

Everything must go.

Everything that's been sitting in drawers, on hangers, collecting dust and taking up space.

I don't fit the wee sparkling dress I wore for Halloween back in '98. What was it now... a dancer from Electric Circus with my partner in crime CJ where I played bass in the basement, danced in the living room and I think I even barfed on the front street and had to be held up and put into the automobile. Fun times. Yeah, that dress should have been sent to goodwill years ago but I'm having a hard time parting with it, only because it makes me laugh. Obviously, at myself.

Gone is all the bathroom junk. The chemicals and parabens that I long ago stopped using, but for some reason kept under the sink. I did decide to keep the Lunapads my sister gave me. Yes, they make those. And no, I've just never been able to go there. But one can always hope for a greener future. Right.

Gone are EVERY pair of holy socks (sorry God) I ever owned and suckered myself into wearing the odd time. I mean, what the hell woman! Let's just face it, there is no time to sit around darning those socks.

Gone are old bras and I've got a serious bone to pick with the inventor of the underwired bra, or whomever is making these half-assed contraptions. Why is it that these underwires eventually find their way out of the bra and into the washer? Is it just me? This is discusting! A perfectly good and sexy bra winds up suffering this fate only to end up stuffed into the bottom of a drawer never to be seen or worn again. I had thirteen in there. THIRTEEN!

And of course, the lie I told myself: I will get around to sewing them back in one of these days. This has got to stop. First of all, the list of things to do "one of these days" keeps growing, along with the list of "shoulds"...and well screw that vocabulary, and all those lists. And secondly, I don't fit that bra I wore in grade 10. In fact, my boobs are so much bigger now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

SO. MUCH. JUNK.

Why do we keep all this "stuff"?

Our Love Is But A Fire

2010-01-10T00:45:00.000-08:00

I just bought Hauntario, the new album by The Wheat Pool, a Canadian indie/alt country band. They are marvelous, and no I'm not bias because they hail from Edmonton - my old hometown & stomping grounds. Something about their music kind of makes me all nostaligic. It's relatable. This is one of those cds that keeps you company on a long drive and never gets old. SO. GOOD.

If our love is but a fire then our hearts must be made of wood...

Mama's Gonna Make All Your Nightmares Come True

2010-01-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Having no children to mother, I can't say that I fully understand the whole motherly instinct thing...and trust me, the ol' bio clock is not ticking. I repeat, NOT ticking. But once in a while, I ponder the idea of this instinctive, protective love.

Driving home one night, I saw in the headlights a mother raccoon and her herd of five babies crossing the highway...I honked my horn in hopes of motivating her to hurry across. I mean, come on now, this is a busy road my dear.

Instead, she stops dead in her tracks in the middle of the road and positions herself in front of her adorable family, arms outstretched as if to say "Back off lady, back the fuck off!"

As I drive by, she moves to keep sheltering her crew all the while staring me down. Of course, she was probably scared out of her wits of this huge loud blinding beast barrelling towards her, so why wouldn't she jump to protect her loved ones?

Still, it was such a beautiful, yet terrifying sight as I attempted to photograph it to my mind in between frantic checks for oncoming traffic. I cursed myself, for my reaction to save them could have in fact sealed their fate. Silly women do silly things at times.

A gal I know recently gave birth. The other day, the scene turned violent as a stranger...yes a STRANGER, decided they would take the baby out of the carseat, without a word. Is that not one of the strangest thing a stranger could do? It was a 'harmless' event, kind of like those funny people coochiecooing a baby in a cart at the grocery market or when that crazy senior greets you by pinching your cheeks. But to the mother, as the maternal instinct kicks in, she is genetically programmed to protect and defend at all costs. Luckily, everyone survived.

Last night, somebody decided it would be a good idea to hang my cat upside down. It took every ounce of strength to stop me from pummeling the sob. I mean, what are you trying to do - kill my cat? All the blood is rushing to his small head and his enlarged pupils clearly indicate he is very afraid. I don't care if you thought it would be funny, or that it was something to do on a Monday night. Clearly, you are in need of a hobby and my cat is in need of some bodyguards. Or perhaps I overreacted. It happens.

I just really love my cat.

So I understand, at least a little bit... what goes on when you feel as though your "baby" is threatened, even when he, she or they may not be.

After the fact, it is at least mildly amusing.

I'm A Dreamer, But I'm Not The Only One

2010-01-01T21:57:00.000-08:00

So a new year has begun, again. As I drink some more Baileys, I tell myself I'd come up with a few resolutions. I tell myself all sorts of things. Yes, I want to create more art and music, and get healthier and wiser and do all the same things I want to do every year. They are just part of the lifetime to do list. Still it's kind of exciting turning the page into a new year. A new year with unforseen adventures and possibilities. And blah blah blah.

I'm focused on making it feel more like home here on this beautiful rainy island. It might not be my home for life, but its my home for life right now. I want to come home to a place I adore. A place that feels real and all homely and cozy. I want to have kindred spirits over and cook turkeys and pour wine and laugh and dance. I am keeping a lookout for a larger space in a more central location...but will know when the time is right. I know that you cannot live in the past, and I know for sure that you cannot live in two provinces at once. You can visit, but you need a place where you can call your own. I am tired of being torn in half and not certain of where I stand. So this is my promise to myself to get off the fence. That fence is poking me in the ass. I will land on solid ground. On my own two big feet.

I am watching The Family Man right now. It's an oldie but goodie. The man who gets a glimpse into what his life would have been like, if he had made a different choice. And a look into the things that really matter. It's kind of sad really. But at least, in the end he was able to make another choice and change his future. I wonder if things could really be that simple. Some things are I suppose, if we can see it.

I wonder if I really would have made different choices. Alright, a few. Mostly no...as who would I be now? But more importantly, I wonder what kind of choices I will make. How do you know what the right choice is? What will I choose? What will you choose?

Choices are to be made. They will define the future. And the future looks bright.

The future is not some mediocre existence where we are settling for each other because it's easy or because it's too much work to do something different. And we're too afraid to do anything about it. It's a future where we will decide to live our best life. And if we do choose to be with someone, it will be with someone who makes us a better person. Someone who pushes us to grow, to change, to explore, to love, to sacrifice without sacrificing who we are, to understand and to live. Someone "strong enough to be our champion"...as someone wise I know once put it. Thank the sun and the moon for putting incredible people in our paths. All of them.

What will I do? Where will I be? Who will I be with? Will I marry? Will I have babies? Will they grow up to be successful and passionate about their own lives? Will I grow old with someone I adore, who adores me just the same? Or will I settle for someone I can tolerate, and vice versa? As so many people do these days. What kind of sick and twisted life would that be? No, it is not enough!

What will we do with our lives? With our 2010. 2011. 2012. Nothing changes but the number, unless we choose to change it. So I'm choosing to change it. To figure out what needs changing. What can stay, what can go. But that's about it really.

Oh yes, and my final resolution is to eat all the freaking chocolate I want when I want. Because this is my life and I'm choosing to not restrict myself to one of it's finest indulgences any more.

All within moderation, of course.

Portraits of a Lady

2009-12-31T17:07:00.000-08:00

"Subconsciously or not, the figures I paint are a reflection of myself and whatever mood I am in at the time, so every painting is in essence a self-portrait." ~ Lori Earley

Lori Earley is a New York artist and I must say, I like her style...

Belladonna

The Parting

Angela

Drained

Regret

Ms. V

loriearley.com

Skating Around The Frozen Pond

2009-12-21T20:18:00.000-08:00

Ah, Christmastime. How I adore thee. I love the fact that I can play Christmas carols for an entire month, drink Gingerbread lattes (pure heaven in a cup), and walk along a street lit up with bright twinkling lights and crunchy white snow....though rain seems to be the norm here on the West Coast. It makes me appreciate the snow even more. What I wouldn't give right now to go skating outdoors at Hawrelak Park. I reminisce. There's something insanely romantic about holding hands under the moonlit sky and gliding around.

I love the fact that my neighbour up the street put up the tree in November. I love that there is a fuschia Christmas tree sitting in the window of a downtown store. It was there last year, and still there it is. Who wants a fuschia tree? I love that this season brings out the heart of people. There's more laughter, more giving. I'm moved by stories of strangers doing something kind for another without expecting anything in return, even something simple as recognition.

The only thing I don't love, is the insanity. After yet another year of this, I'm tempted to spend next year on a ski hill in Banff, in a lodge with a huge fireplace and room service. Just escape all of the hustle and bustle and noise of the city. Just relax, enjoy and reflect on the year past and the year ahead. It's easy to get caught up in the madness of the season. The impatient drivers. The crazy shoppers. Yes, the rude ones who forget manners and joy as they rush around for last minute gifts. These situations bring out the worst in me, if I allow it. But I don't want to be that person. Just because someone is an ignorant bastard to me, doesn't mean I should be one in return, does it.

Have yourself a happy non-specific seasonally correct interdenominational pseudo holiday festive occasion.

In other words,

Merry Christmas.

Extreme Storm Surgin'

2009-12-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

Now here's a sport I think I can do...too.

Changing the way you look at the world. I like that. I like the entire concept. No two people have the same experiences. We are restricted to our own consciousness. Confined by our paradigms. We need to break out of these molds and live.

Live fully.

Life is short. We need reminders, because so often we forget. To look and see the world and experience the moments it offers. Dare. Dream. Laugh. More importantly, laugh at yourself. Give. Give to the world, your heart, your soul, your voice ~ in whatever way which makes sense to you. BE. Be brave. Be who you are. Be different. Be present. Be open to new ideas. Be willing to run, to leap and land on our feet or fall flat on our face. We need to have more faith in ourselves and more faith in others. Because we get each other through. We need to live a life congruent to our values, ideals and dreams. To never cease to wonder. To imagine what will be. To see all possibilities, when no one else will.

This is nothing new. But it never grows old.

Think about it.

This is your life.

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes.

The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

We make tools for these kinds of people.

While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

~ Steve Jobs

Fleeting Beauty

2009-12-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

Sylvia Ji, an artist from San Fransisco, has some mesmorizing work...I revel in sensuality.

Sylvia Ji