Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

There came a time when the name no longer fit.
The person who once was, is no more.
Like a well-worn, faded pair of favourite jeans
finally tossed in the trash,
kicked to the curb.

I believe that is what happened here.

To new beginnings... and old jeans.

Every Part of Me

Great tune.

Open Road

One Month Down, a Lifetime to Go!

Today, I am celebrating a ONE MONTH MILESTONE of consistent running.  A month may not be a long time in the land of running and elite marathoners, but for this gal - it is an achievement to be proud of.  I am literally astounded at my body; what it has done and will do for me.  Improvements are already noted in my lung capacity, leg power and overall wellbeing. The scale hasn't moved much, but my clothes are loose-fitting and I see changes all around.  I am even sleeping better at night.

MC and I meet Monday and Wednesday (or Thursday) evenings in the neighbourhood and Saturday mornings at a nearby lake. I know one thing for sure: having a fierce and dedicated woman next to you as your feet pound the trails is super motivating. In the beginning, if I felt even a slight hint of "I don't feel like it" coming on, just knowing that I had someone to meet was enough of a kick out the door. I did not want to let her down! It has since evolved into a realization that I don't want to let myself down either!

Running has completely opened up my mind, body and soul; breathing new life into my every cell.

I am starting to fight myself: some of the days in between I am just itchin' to go for a run, but I must refrain for I know the importance of rest days. In the past, I have fallen victim to the "run too much, too soon and lose interest"; scoring myself some shin splints, excruciating pain in both knees, and a general dislike of running because "it hurts too much"! Easing into it the last thirty days, I am noticing my muscles and joints have adjusted well and continue to perform as they should. I will up the mileage and run days gradually when the time is right.

 

Tried & true keys to my success thus far:

1. Having a positive running partner with similar attitude, goals and running style... mutual encouragement.

2. Being present & finding my rhythm. Focus on my breathing...in through the nose, out of the mouth....listening...the steady rhythm of my lungs as air moves in and rushes out.... instead of the noticing the feeling of my heavy legs that want to cave, or the aching in my left hip on uneven trails. Find your rhythm. For MC, it is the pounding of her feet on the ground. Interesting, we all have these focal points that we may or may not even be aware of. They work!

3. Being constantly aware of what is going on in my mind and nipping ANY inner negative self-talk or self-doubt at the bud. Counteracting them with positive statements & affirmations. "I can"..."I am"... The power of the mind is huge. HUGE! Really working on the inner talk and self in general. Life is really too short to be anything but positive and do anything but continuously improve and grow and experience...on all levels. Strive, seek, find.....do....be. Embrace the positive: love, gratitude, hope, peace, awe and all those other important aspects of the one life we are given to really LIVE. Live a life of value to yourself and others.

What's next.... incorporating a weight training program, cleaner eating and my reward after a tough run tonight:

Kale & Berry Protein Shake

1/2 c fresh Kale

1/4 c raspberries

1/4 c blueberries

1 banana

1 c water

1 scoop vanilla protein powder

Blend & enjoy.

Just Enough Dark To See

Just So.... Wow.

Drink a toast to the sun
To the things that never go
To the break of the day
That is all that I say

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Saved by the Saint Saviour

Happy am I when this astounding lil gem plays...

Insomnia

Insomnia from troublesmixes on 8tracks.

Between the Cracks She Slipped

There is a restlessness within.
One to which I cannot transcend.
An infinite lament.
A resonant ache lingers and deafens where the heart once beat euphonic.
Who have I become.
I am a wanderer of sorts.
Circumnavigating past and present.
Stumbling towards the unknown.
A product of my disillusions.
Head in the clouds, heart on my sleeve.
The fate of the idealist, the romantic, the dreamer is mine.
I love too much and too little too late.
I live and breathe in this city, but do I live and breathe.
Where have I been.
Where have I gone.
Where am I going.
Where am I.
Where are you.
I see faces and wear one, or two.
I pick up the mail; toss it back.
Go to work; leave.
Fill my mind with Dawkins and Hitchens and Sartre and Nin.
Drown the world in profound insights of musical genius.
Ask questions; search for answers...meaning.
Something, anything...
I evaluate scenarios and ponder absurdities.
I yearn for wisdom and solace, solidity and purpose.
In the dark I lie watching moonlight and streetlight and sirens.
I toss. I turn. I toss and turn.
I toss string for my cat.
Listen to his little racing heart... boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom.
Morning arrives too soon.
I want to reach, but hold back... a formidable endeavor to withstand.
If. you. only. knew.
You wouldn't believe me.
I talk myself out of you to tend to my heart.
For it's on the verge darling, of its demise.

Ester Asked Why People Are Sad

"That’s simple," says the old man.

"They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people's ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.”

But The Biggest Throbbing Question Of Alls

Another gem by Garfunkel & Oates

Working Out Is The Best Form Of Therapy

Things have definitely changed for the better. I have more energy, more clarity and it finally feels like I am "getting my shit together", in all areas of my life. I have found my innermost self, buried beneath the rubble. She is fierce and powerful. I have begun digging her out. It is a slow process. There are heavy stones to unearth, twisted amongst the roots but I am making progress and progress is key.

Some "Aha!" moments and things I've grasped lately have made a huge impact on my commitment and motivation to a healthy life:

1. Create a vision. What do you want to achieve? Dig deep and figure it out. Only you know what that is. It has nothing to do with anyone else, you are doing this for you. It might not even be clear at first, but that's where the digging comes in. Search that soul and come up with an answer. This is the starting place to which everything else aligns.

2. Find a mantra for when the going gets tough. Because it will get tough! Mentally and physically. And you will want to quit! When your muscles are a blazing inferno, your lungs are about to burst, and you think you can do no more, remember it is your mind who runs the ship. The mind and body are a strong beast together. Remind it. Don't stop reminding it! "No pain, no gain!"

3. Figure out what or who inspires you and put them up where you can see it as a constant reminder. I've turned my fridge into a canvas of motivation with Erin Stern and Monica Brant, and of course Arnold Schwarzenegger... my top three, along with my fitness schedule. Not only does seeing this everyday remind me of my goals and make me want to workout, it also makes me think twice about what I am fueling my body with. It really does work!


4. Make yourself a schedule and stick to it! No excuses. There's 24 hours in each day and you will find a way to make the time, if it is something that you really want. My plan is a 3-day split, which I repeat so I'm working every muscle group twice a week. Sundays are my day off and I take another day off of cardio as well, usually Friday. I found I have been able to do it by easing into it. You do what you can and build upon it. Start with 1 set instead of 3. Do 8 reps instead of 12. Do two exercises for each body part, or five. Whatever works for that day, do it. The main point is to stick to your schedule and build up the intensity at your own pace.


4. Arnold's New Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding. This book is a huge source of inspiration, motivation and really, really good information with personal insights and tips from the Austrian Oak himself. Not to mention some really sweet bodybuilding pictures! Holy crap, I couldn't put it down. Read this book cover to cover, over and over.


5. Everything I can do at the gym, I can do at home. I can work all my muscle groups with dumbells, a Body Bar, an exercise ball and my own body weight. Reasons working out at home rocks:

• Save money every month on a gym pass
• Workout when you want for as long as you want
• No waiting for equipment
• No going out in the freezing cold (cold=big time demotivator!)
• Use the time you would use to commute to the gym for something productive
  
• Listen to the tunes you want without having to blast your iPod over the music and risk going deaf
  
• No chance of forgetting your panties or shampoo and lugging around giant gym bags
  

6. Jillian Michaels. These workout dvds kick ass! You know you're getting a good workout when every single inch of your body feels like it is about to explode.
7. Fitness is a way of life. Yes I have goals, but when I reach them it's not like I can just stop working out and eat whatever I want and that's it. I am going to have to commit to this for life. I'm either in or out, all or nothing.

8. Burpees. I have learned to love them! They are genius. "Burpees, guys", as Funk Roberts says so himself.



9. Connect with like-minded people. Having someone to share progress with is an awesome source of encouragement! My sister and uncle are my biggest motivators. Both of them are committed to the same lifestyle and goals. True, we have our own vision of where we'd like to be, but ultimately we are working toward a healthy life - both in mind and in body.

10. Listen to your body. There's no way I could have kept going with this, had I not figured this one out. I've tried and failed so many times, starting and stopping and never achieving my goals. I finally realized that the reason I kept failing is because I wasn't listening. Once I started listening and allowing myself to do this in the way I need to do it, my entire approach changed. Rather than punishing myself, I am embracing myself. If I just don't have the energy that day to do the entire workout, I do half. If I need a rest day, I take it and make up for it the next day. If I want a coffee in the morning, I have it. If I want chocolate, I have that too. All within reason of course. If I am eating clean the majority of the time, the "treats" are not going to matter. If I am eating compulsively, I start to explore my emotions, what is really going on and try to find healthier solutions. Doing it this way, I'm finding my cravings have nearly diminished and I don't have any negativity surrounding my progress. There's no room for it! There's no guilt. There's no beating myself up over small indulgences or failing to meet unrealistic expectations I've created for myself...and getting frustrated with my "lack of control" or "lack of commitment". I am committed and it is an amazing shift in perspective.

Know Your Rights

The 10 Assertive Rights of an Individual

1. I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

2. I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

3. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems.
I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological wellBbeing and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

4. I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

5. I have the right to say, "I don't know." I have the right to make decisions without being 100% certain of all the answers regarding these choices. If I were to evaluate every possible outcome of all decisions I made, chances are I would accomplish very little in my lifetime. No one can be expected to know all the possibilities of any particular behavior; therefore, I must make personal judgments as I see fit.

6. I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

7. I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

8. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with "black or white,'' "all or none,'' and "yes or no'' issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

9. I have the right to say, "I don't understand.'' One aspect of being human is being unable to fully understand all that occurs around me. I learn through experience, but experience also teaches that I cannot always understand what others mean or want. I cannot read minds, although others may try to manipulate me by providing hints or making subtle implications. I cannot anticipate and be sensitive to the unstated feelings, needs, and wants of others.

10. I have the right to say, "I don't care.'' Being human, I am imperfect. It is a fallacy to assume that I must strive to improve myself. Others may use this to manipulate me, saying that I am obliged to alter my behavior in a more positive direction; otherwise, I would be lazy, worthless, a degenerate, and unworthy of respect. If I erect goals of perfection, I undoubtedly will be frustrated and disappointed. Therefore, I have the right to say that I don't care to be perfect. The only sure way to prevent manipulation is to ask myself whether I am satisfied with myself or my performance, then, I can make an objective judgment as to whether I wish to change my behavior.

By James J Messina

It's gonna be a long road to go a long way

Murphy's Law

On the way to work today, I decide to stop at Tim Horton's for a coffee. Second in line at the drive through, I am counting out the change for my order, hurriedly exchanging as much of the larger coin for pennies and nickels as I can. Small change accumulating in my purse and in jars and drawers just makes me crazy, why not use it and eliminate some clutter.

For some reason I seem to think that the woman ahead of me has driven off and in a moment of distraction, numbers running through my head, I push on the gas pedal. Unfortunately, the woman and her car are still there and now my car is on top of her car. She jumps out to see if she still has a bumper. Thankfully, yes, and there is no damage. She gets back in and drives off. Meanwhile, I am cursing myself for being such a damn idiot! (Oddly enough this has happened before. I drove into someone else at a yield sign at a bridge on my way to choir practice and only recently, last year, backed into my girlfriend's Mazda while helping a friend move. With a big load on the back of the truck I honestly did not see her little car!)

I pay for my coffee and find her parked in a stall. I walk up to her window where she is casually eating her lunch. She rolls down the window and I apologize profusely, begging her to forgive me for being such a damn idiot! She is the kindest woman, she smiles saying it's no problem, really. I apologize again and crawl back to the car with my tail between my legs and am off to work, wide-awake.

It should have ended there.

The next thing you know, my work day is done and I am on my way to the car. I arrive at the car only to find that there is no car. Stopping dead in my tracks I scan the parking lot and begin to question my sanity. Woman! Where did you park the car! I circle the parking lot twice and it is nowhere to be found. I call my mother. She thinks I have forgotten where I parked it. Are you sure you actually drove to work today, is it still parked at the house? Yes mom, I am sure. I circle the parking lot again. Have I lost it? My mind? Debateable. The car? Yes. The damn car was stolen.

That's not the worst part.

The car belongs to someone else: the woman I am housesitting for!

OH! MY! GOD!

We call Anna at her hotel, it's 6 AM over in Israel but we needed to get the report rolling. She doesn't remember her license plate number. Despite all the information we have, the police are unable to locate her record in the system without this number as there are 150 other women with the same name! And for some bizarre reason, the plate number is not listed on the insurance papers. 10 o'clock at night, the insurance company is closed, her mechanic is closed, tomorrow's a stat holiday and some bastard has taken her car out for a joy ride. After searching all of the places she had told us to look, we finally found the plate number written on an old ticket and were able to get the car reported. And now we wait to see what happens.

It probably would have been a good day to stay in bed.

What Makes You Happy?

"And therein lies the best advice I could possibly dispense: just DO things. Chase after the things that interest you and make you happy. Stop acting like you have a set path, because you don’t. No one does. You shouldn’t be trying to check off the boxes of life; they aren’t real and they were created by other people, not you. There is no explicit path I’m following, and I’m not walking in anyone else’s footsteps. I’m making it up as I go. It’s harder, for sure, and kind of scary sometimes. But it will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror and know you’re playing by your own rules."

~ Charlie Hoehn

Mixed Up

I have to keep telling myself that my feelings are important too.

The things I feel, I feel for a reason.

This time, what I want matters more than what he wants.

Five years is a long time. It should have been three, but I stuck it out. Why? Who knows. I guess it was easier to be miserable than to face the fears of change and the manifestation of conflict. Though, there was conflict all along.

Last year, around this time, we broke up. Twice within two months. Third time's a charm. Eventually you just reach a point where your soul really starts to just die and you have had enough. Call it divine intervention, fate, or simply a moment of pure, unabashed clarity; this time was different. In a moment of truth, I realized that what I want, need and value matters. That for the first time in my life I was putting my true self before anyone else... and not feeling guilty or torn over it, or deliberating for hours and days on end.

At this point, I could no longer just coast along allowing myself to live against my values, in a constant state of disharmony. I realized that I, and I alone, had let things go too far out of control and that this could no longer go on.

I left the province to go back home to the big city; to get away and start a new beginning. Thinking about it now, maybe I was running. But self-preservation is a strong motivator. Did I think there was a chance I would back down on my decision, absolutely! Could I let that happen this time, no way! I needed to clear my mind and heart and figure out what the hell it is that I want in this life.

Now he wants to move here to be with me. We have been apart for 19 days. He says he didn't realize how unhappy I was. Despite the arguments, the distance, the clear signs and problems in our relationship. He says he wants to work on it. After last years' episodes and all this time and broken promises, he somehow thinks that working on it now is going to magically prove to be the solution we've been looking for all along. It is hard because there is a part of me that is starting to feel like maybe this time is different and big enough to allow for some real change to happen. Am I crazy? History repeats itself, does it not? And the one thing I have learned is that you can't change anyone but yourself.

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone...

There is a Silence

“In a rabbit-fear I may hurl myself under the wheels of the car because the lights terrify me, and under the dark blind death of wheels I will be safe. I am very tired, very banal, very confused. I do not know who I am tonight. I wanted to walk until I dropped and not complete the inevitable circle of coming home.” ~ Sylvia Plath

The city is full of noise, but it is drowned out by the deafening silence within. I am uncertain as to what I am doing here or why. It is a familiar place, these streets I have known, though I am unsure if this feels like home. The people I know have their lives and why should my being here change anything. I am living in three different places; my belongings strewn about everywhere. An unsettling tension lingers. Lost. Alone. Unsure of everything. I have no idea what the future holds or where I should be. The initial excitement of being somewhere I belong has subsided. The adrenaline has worn off. Emotions have surfaced. The emotions of the past three months have let loose their fury and I am at their mercy.

The choices I have made are mine alone and I wonder if they are the right ones. For one I am certain, the rest... have yet to unfold.