If Not Now When

I do alot of "talking." Some would have different ideas on this statement. Those who know me well, would likely agree. I "talk" about all I want to do, to change, to achieve. A new idea, a new goal, a new area of interest. I talk about all the decisions I want, or need to make...and should I do this, or that, and is it better to go this way or that way. Yes, indeed, I have rambled on for quite some time now... My mind is an unattended zoo and I am the monkey swinging from tree to tree.

When it comes right down to the barebones of it: I need more discipline. Self-discipline. I say no more of this half-starting, half-finishing, half-living that I do so well. No more humming and hawing. I've had enough of myself.

Maybe, subconsciously this all started the other day I watched Karate Kid... the seemingly pointless & laborious chores beginning Daniel's lessons with Mr. Miyagi which led to the desired outcome of winning the championship, beating his enemies and ultimately finding himself in the process. Eventually. He had to shine the cars and paint both sides of the fence first.

I have noticed myself wanting to do something, picturing the results I want to get out of it, planning... but "not really" wanting to put in the effort required to achieve these results...the end goal...the desired outcome.

Like wanting to work out in the mornings... I set my alarm early enough for a run pretty much every night. Morning comes, the alarm goes off and I convince myself not to go because it's warmer under the covers, or I'm still tired or it's dark outside or "I'll go after work." It's this constant battle with myself to not do something that I actually want to do.

I become lazy, distracted, uninterested and start making excuses or doing other things. Even worse, when it comes to decisions, I am giving into emotions like fear... fear of the change, the unknown... fear of making mistakes, messing up... fear of doing it wrong or not being good enough. Feeling rather than thinking realistically. So many things left unfinished. Long lists of "to-dos." Loose ends.

Such a simple concept...to "achieve" one must "do", but it requires great effort and determination... and consistently great effort and determination.

When it suits me, I can put in the effort. What I need to do, is get over this "when it suits me" bit. Self-discipline means sacrifice. Sacrificing what may be more desirable at the time and doing what's difficult but brings the most satisfaction in the end. Sacrificing what you feel for what you think. What you feel in one moment for what you think about your life...what do you want, what's important... what matters most.

I want less random and more routine. Less doing it tomorrow and more today. Less later and more now. Though I'm not entirely sure of what I really want these days, I do know that I want to finish what I start... and get off the fence.

Wishing For Rain As I Stand In The Desert

Ron Pope...well worth a listen...

War

Sometimes I feel like giving up. My heart's just not into it anymore. Though I know that I can't, the temptation is definitely there. I've been battling myself these days... running low on ammunition...wearing down. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am skeptical...empty. I've lost faith and trust... Decisions to make are bright night lights of head on traffic and I'm trying to swerve but the wheel won't turn. I really don't know where to begin. Begin within, they say...but how do you do this when you are trying to pull yourself out. It's suffocating down there.

I've been making some rather odd decisions as of late and they don't gel with the person I want to be. I want to be a woman of value. I want inner strength and inner peace... I want so much more than I'm allowing myself to embrace and yet, here I am. Stuck. Glaring at a wall. This wall has been up for the last six years, when everything crumbled...some of it, probably longer. I'd like to tear it all down someday, brick by brick. I'd like to do alot of things. I don't want to just get by. I want to live the life I dream of. Why do we stay stuck... why do we settle... why are we so nuts?

Tonight at derby, I realized the power of the mind/body connection. Skating round and round, I'm hearing this voice... you gotta want it. Fight for it. Hunger for it. You've gotta be more hungry for it. I'm not hungry for it. I'm full. In fact, I'm full of shit. All this shit that's going on in my head is affecting my play. When it got tough on the track, as my body was screaming at me for missing two weeks worth of practice to go vacation across the rockies in my hometown, my mind...my disastrous mind was giving up on me too. That jerk. "I can't do this", "You're not going to make it", "You're going to collapse", "You're not good enough, fast enough, fit enough".... add this negativity to the rest of the chaos and I was out. I nearly had a breakdown on the track and I wanted to smack myself upside the head because this is not the attitude I was looking for. This is not me. This is someone else who has taken over and I would like her out. I did eventually go back, but I couldn't get my legs to connect with my head and my head to connect to my heart.

This is all wrong.

All of it.

I'm losing it.

What is this thing in my chest? This thing that has hold... clenching ...tight... So tight, I cannot breathe. It navigates my life for me, I feel like I have no choice in the matter. Try as I might, I cannot win this one. Ever.

The bastard keeps me up at night...

Pulls me, a constant tug. At first I thought it was funny. Now I'm not so sure. This is just madness... this thing in my chest.

I didn't ask for it.

I didn't want it.

You can have it.

It's up for grabs. Free for the taking. The key too...

I want to rip it out, stuff it into a brown paper bag, lock it in the freezer... and sew up the incision with fishing line. Freeze frame it in the frigid cold and forget about it. This incessant timpani of steady rhythm would cease to a muffled groan... as each drop, each cell becomes frost and silence instills...

But all I can do now is drown it out... with something louder...words...a melody...a voice...

Play it loud... and hope the tide comes in

"Memories fade Like looking through a fogged mirror Decisions too Decisions are made Decisions are made and not bought But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot I guess not"

Noon Hour Bliss

Working downtown has it's perks, one being a beautiful harbour within walking distance...

You give yourself away

"Go get what you want"

That's what the magicman said at the end of our conversation. He told me to write it on the bathroom mirror and take a picture. He'll watch for it.

That was Friday.

I still haven't done it.

A while back I stuck the words "Know what you want, and what you don't want" to my fridge. Remnants of a previous conversation with another deep soul.

Both of whom have taught me so much.

We have these people in our lives who speak truth...they tell it like it is...see things for what they are, see you for exactly who you are and have a way of carrying you out from underneath your delusions, setting you down on the floor, looking you right in the eyes through to your soul and ripping your very heart out with their words. It only hurts because it's real. They know it, and deep down you know it. Even if you won't admit it to yourself.

Which is exactly where I am. I can admit to that. But not to the rest.

The thing is, I know what I want. But what I want, doesn't want me.

My past is a series of choices that may have led me up to where I am today, and yes, for that I am grateful...but it took me further away from the part of my life that meant more to me than anything else and by the time I realized, it was too late. It is a hard truth to carry. I am being honest with myself when I acknowledge that this is the biggest regret of my life. So big, that I can finally admit that I was so blind to even think that I deserve anything more than what I got.




“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”


Go get what you want.

First step, know what you want and what you don't want.

And so the work begins...

Northern Lights

The city that just won't let go...



Late at night
Sync your heartbeat to mine
And I will never try
To forget your northern lights

What'll I do if you never find me again

The heart is a caged bird unable to fly

"There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you..." ~ Charles Bukowski

This deep, gaping hole in my chest... will not heal. Scar tissue built a fortress around it, now they're building a foreign country with foreign rules that should have caused a revolution... instead the inhabitants conformed. Resistance is futile when the weapon is regret, guilt or fear.

Attempts to stitch it shut have ultimately been in vain. Threads that are fragile do not stay closed, the needle is dull. This open wound steadily bleeds with each pass, each pulse...a festering pool of emotional chaos with nowhere to go.

I Really Don't Know What To Call This

My beloved kitty tested positive for feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV)... which is similar to human HIV. Aids. WTF? It's been on my mind all weekend....bloody hell I exclaim! How did this happen?

He was sick all week, not eating, not drinking, sleeping a whole lot more and being generally depressed... a very big change. I took him to the vet, they did a bunch of tests, I paid a bunch of money and his white blood cells were half of what they should be...hence the FIV status which was confirmed the next day. But he seems to be recovering from whatever bug he has right now. It's been a process trying to get him to drink...using a syringe and shooting a little water into his mouth did eventually make him want to drink on his own. I've had giant cups in every room in hopes of reminding him. He is finally drinking on his own, and eating, though he's not entirely himself yet. I am just hoping...

There's no way to tell where he managed to pick up the disease... probably from the mangly looking stray that was hanging around a while back... or one of the many others running up and down the street...as it is usually contracted through contact with another infected cat. Saliva to blood. And Twitchy's a fighter. But we'll never know the actual story. I do feel rather guilty, because maybe if I had kept him indoors this might not have happened. At the same time though, I can't beat myself up...and anyways would that have been fair to him? He's a hunter, a killer, the tomcat of the neighbourhood... he runs the show around here. It's just not his nature. He knows it, I know it. And cats should have the joy of going outdoors. Unfortunately for him, he might have to be spending alot more time indoors anyways to keep him from getting sick and spreading this to other cats.

I've been doing a bit of research on FIV... in hopes of finding something that's going to help him. I don't know how long he has, but he might just have a few (or more) good years left.

Some facts on FIV

• Cats can still live a long time with FIV if they're receiving proper care & monitoring throughout their lives though it's eventually fatal
• Casual contact of cats living in the same household does not spread the virus.
• The virus cannot live outside of the cat
• An infected cat may not show any symptoms at all, or his health may either deteriorate progressively, or show a pattern of recurring illness followed by long periods of good health
• Eventually, signs of immunodeficiency begin to develop and the cat's ability to protect itself against infection is compromised. The same bacteria, viruses, fungi that are found in cats' everyday environment can cause severe illness in cats with weakened immune systems. These secondary infections are responsible for most of the clinical signs of FIV and the major cause of death
• Humans cannot catch this from cats! The HIV virus does not affect cats and the FIV virus does not affect humans.
• It sounds alot like human aids, doesn't it.
  

Life isn't purrfect, that's for sure...