Bright Lights

There's a girl I know who could just never seem to get it right. Her life is a pattern. A perpetual cycle of wrong choices and mishaps. In her search for approval she has lost herself, her identity, though the saying goes you can't lose something you never had.

She once dated this guy who wanted to control her soul and her life. She was looking for God. He had found God and was looking for a wife. He told her what to believe. She couldn't believe it. They argued all the time. She finally left for summer to work for her brother a province away. He drove out a week later and convinced her to return. They continued the power struggle until her dad died that fall. Her faith vanished, along with the devotee.

There was another one just coming out of prison for accidentally murdering his mother at 17 in a fit of rage. They met online, he was moving up to a half-way house with a curfew of eleven. He sang, played guitar, quoted Nietzsche. She had a big heart. He always seemed a bit distant but she tried to find a way in. He was the one who found a way in and then, broke it off. Left his keyboard as a consolation prize and married a few months later.

There were others...like these.

The emotionally unavailable, the bad boys, the addicts, the users, the explosives, the ones who need to be "fixed". She is drawn to them... She who, as a child grew up thinking I wish he would love me, now is subconsciously attracted to men who can’t meet her emotional needs.

Did she really ever love any of these men? Not these ones. In hindsight, it wasn't ever really about love... It was sticking around despite all the red flags, the inner turmoil...giving in to fear, guilt...putting off the inevitable because it was just too damn comfortable, familiar....it was putting the needs of others ahead of her own...seeing the good, ignoring the bad...it was fulfilling her sick need for approval, her codependent tendencies. The persistent longing to be loved, to be cherished, to be seen, to be needed, to care for someone; this crazy motivating force to find someone to fill an empty space.

But it is a space that she is only starting to understand: only she can fill...

There comes a point in life when you are thrown a curveball. One that you did not see coming. It hits you head on and you see stars. In that instant, there is a major shift in perspective. The stars leave a light and suddenly, things are crystal clear.

And voilà, everything changes.

Done For

This office is stifling my creativity.
(Let me out)

Fluorescent lighting, blinding me with its incessant glare.
(Talked the maintenance man into turning the one above my desk off)

Constant whirring of the server fans.
(Why they're not in a closet somewhere is beyond me)

Sauna-like heat radiation.
(It's amazing I even stay awake in here - anyone heard of AC?!)

Lack of windows to the world.
(I really wish I could see outside)

Piles & piles of work waiting to be done.
(At least the day goes by)

Neverending to-do lists.
(I can't even keep track anymore)

Unrealistic deadlines.
(You want WHAT?!!! Done WHEN?! TODAY?!)

Yet another change, edit, revision, policy...disaster.
(No one really knows what we are doing around here, do they?)

Constant interruptions.
(I would love to talk shop, really, come on in!)

Communication breakdowns.
(Need I say more)

Or is it that I have too much on my mind to even concentrate on work.
(These days, it's just better to be asleep)

This song is the chaos of my mind right now:


Work? What work?!

Stormy Weather

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." ~ Pema Chodron

Mile Marker

Breathe

Human Jello

Jinchun Chen and his team of scientists have created a new kind of gelatin made from none other than you and yours truly. Using the genes that produce human collagen and then combining them with yeast they've concocted human gelatin!

Yum.

The cannibal in me is smacking her lips.

We can soon (hopefully) enjoy human jello, human s'mores, gummi humans and many other delightful confections.

I wonder if the vegetarians will go for it. Hey, it's not an animal product and nobody got hurt!

More info here or the full study in the Journal of Agricultural & Food Chemistry

Fast-Forward to Nowhere

We live our lives fast, but not always well. We are in a constant state of motion. We skim the surface of each others lives and excel at abbreviated relationships. We plug in, but are disconnected from what is truly important. What is real. We may think we are getting ahead, but we are only falling further behind.

We follow the lead of our 'leaders' and compete with each other for the better life: the sexiest body, the biggest house, the fastest car, the most money in the bank, the latest gadgets. We barely have time to enjoy it because we're working so hard to earn it. We are enthralled with the latest celebrity gossip and events, but hardly take notice when our children or siblings excel in school or sports or the arts.


We strive to be successful. But what is success? Do we even know our own definition of the word or do we, like most people, define it based on what everyone else is doing. We work harder not smarter, in our relentless pursuit. We want results. Quick-fixes. Instant gratification. We live an ASAP kind of life. We are motivated by deadlines... to do something, have something, be somewhere, be someone. We are pressured to get married, make babies, climb the corporate ladder, plan for retirement and then give up the things we love because "I can't do that at my age" or our bodies are too worn out from contamination and neglect. We spend countless hours in front of the TV and computer, but rarely pick up a book.


Our refrigerators are filled with 'heat-and-serve' meals and we eat on the go, in between calls, during commercials. Family dinners have become a thing of the past. Our iPods are stockpiled with music, but we seldom hear it live. We seldom hear. The music becomes filler. Background noise. We are so used to the constant hum and hustle, and no longer know what to do without it. We waste time by filling up our time. We are masters of multi-tasking our to-do lists. But the question remains, what exactly are we doing?

Our relationships are surface. We coexist but disengage. We text rather than talk. We wave at our neighbours but don't know their names. We chit-chat about the weather and everyone is "fine". We practice our scripts, "How are you?", "I'm well, how are you?" and the plot never thickens, never goes too deep. The sets never change and the story remains the same. We are afraid to get too close. To know too much. To have to deal with anything more than we already have to deal with. To risk. We want it easy. We want everything to be great. We want fair-weather friends. We are not willing to deal with the things that need our attention in our relationships. It's too hard. Too much work. We bottle things up for fear of hurting the other person and don't say the things that need to be said. We compromise too much, or too little. We find time for everything except each other and are often too exhausted by the end of the day to give any more of ourselves to the ones who need and deserve it the most.

It is madness.

Complete, and utter madness.

What is your purpose?

What is your passion?

Your vision?

What drives you?

Where is your heart?

Who are you?

What are you filling your days up with?

Now that yesterday is gone, what did you really do that was worth mentioning?

When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart with a friend, face-to-face?

Where are you going and why?

Will it all be worth it in the end?

1/26 Ain't Bad

I Would Jump Ship