You give yourself away

"Go get what you want"

That's what the magicman said at the end of our conversation. He told me to write it on the bathroom mirror and take a picture. He'll watch for it.

That was Friday.

I still haven't done it.

A while back I stuck the words "Know what you want, and what you don't want" to my fridge. Remnants of a previous conversation with another deep soul.

Both of whom have taught me so much.

We have these people in our lives who speak truth...they tell it like it is...see things for what they are, see you for exactly who you are and have a way of carrying you out from underneath your delusions, setting you down on the floor, looking you right in the eyes through to your soul and ripping your very heart out with their words. It only hurts because it's real. They know it, and deep down you know it. Even if you won't admit it to yourself.

Which is exactly where I am. I can admit to that. But not to the rest.

The thing is, I know what I want. But what I want, doesn't want me.

My past is a series of choices that may have led me up to where I am today, and yes, for that I am grateful...but it took me further away from the part of my life that meant more to me than anything else and by the time I realized, it was too late. It is a hard truth to carry. I am being honest with myself when I acknowledge that this is the biggest regret of my life. So big, that I can finally admit that I was so blind to even think that I deserve anything more than what I got.




“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”


Go get what you want.

First step, know what you want and what you don't want.

And so the work begins...

Northern Lights

The city that just won't let go...



Late at night
Sync your heartbeat to mine
And I will never try
To forget your northern lights

What'll I do if you never find me again

The heart is a caged bird unable to fly

"There’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I’m too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I’m not going to let anybody see you..." ~ Charles Bukowski

This deep, gaping hole in my chest... will not heal. Scar tissue built a fortress around it, now they're building a foreign country with foreign rules that should have caused a revolution... instead the inhabitants conformed. Resistance is futile when the weapon is regret, guilt or fear.

Attempts to stitch it shut have ultimately been in vain. Threads that are fragile do not stay closed, the needle is dull. This open wound steadily bleeds with each pass, each pulse...a festering pool of emotional chaos with nowhere to go.

I Really Don't Know What To Call This

My beloved kitty tested positive for feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV)... which is similar to human HIV. Aids. WTF? It's been on my mind all weekend....bloody hell I exclaim! How did this happen?

He was sick all week, not eating, not drinking, sleeping a whole lot more and being generally depressed... a very big change. I took him to the vet, they did a bunch of tests, I paid a bunch of money and his white blood cells were half of what they should be...hence the FIV status which was confirmed the next day. But he seems to be recovering from whatever bug he has right now. It's been a process trying to get him to drink...using a syringe and shooting a little water into his mouth did eventually make him want to drink on his own. I've had giant cups in every room in hopes of reminding him. He is finally drinking on his own, and eating, though he's not entirely himself yet. I am just hoping...

There's no way to tell where he managed to pick up the disease... probably from the mangly looking stray that was hanging around a while back... or one of the many others running up and down the street...as it is usually contracted through contact with another infected cat. Saliva to blood. And Twitchy's a fighter. But we'll never know the actual story. I do feel rather guilty, because maybe if I had kept him indoors this might not have happened. At the same time though, I can't beat myself up...and anyways would that have been fair to him? He's a hunter, a killer, the tomcat of the neighbourhood... he runs the show around here. It's just not his nature. He knows it, I know it. And cats should have the joy of going outdoors. Unfortunately for him, he might have to be spending alot more time indoors anyways to keep him from getting sick and spreading this to other cats.

I've been doing a bit of research on FIV... in hopes of finding something that's going to help him. I don't know how long he has, but he might just have a few (or more) good years left.

Some facts on FIV

• Cats can still live a long time with FIV if they're receiving proper care & monitoring throughout their lives though it's eventually fatal
• Casual contact of cats living in the same household does not spread the virus.
• The virus cannot live outside of the cat
• An infected cat may not show any symptoms at all, or his health may either deteriorate progressively, or show a pattern of recurring illness followed by long periods of good health
• Eventually, signs of immunodeficiency begin to develop and the cat's ability to protect itself against infection is compromised. The same bacteria, viruses, fungi that are found in cats' everyday environment can cause severe illness in cats with weakened immune systems. These secondary infections are responsible for most of the clinical signs of FIV and the major cause of death
• Humans cannot catch this from cats! The HIV virus does not affect cats and the FIV virus does not affect humans.
• It sounds alot like human aids, doesn't it.
  

Life isn't purrfect, that's for sure...

Exhale

Sometimes our flame goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being...

~ Albert Schweitzer

Checklist for Idiots

Load box of truck up with furniture. Check.
Drive to specified location. Check.
Pull over to side of road. Check.
Check road is clear. Check.
Look in all mirrors. Check.
Put truck into reverse. Check.
Step on gas pedal. Check.
Back truck up onto your friend's Mazda. Check.

P-O'd

Having smashed my ankle up... twice in the last month, leaving me one limping angry malfunction of an invalid, it's been taking some time to get it back up and running full force. It's slowing me down, big time. I feel I am falling behind.

And fear now grips...it's like an overtight tensor bandage that you can't yank off, digging in and suffocating the blood right out from under your skin, your toes are turning blue...

Fear of falling, fear of corners. Especially those corners on the slippery wooden gym floors, with our coach screaming "Run! Run! Don't stop running! You're not running! RUN ON THOSE SKATES! RUN!!!" and your brain telling you "ANY SECOND now you are just going to LOSE IT and go flying into the wall, rupturing your ankle into a million splinters on the way down, never to skate on it again. Of course, it does feel a whole lot nicer falling on wooden floors, over the unforgiving cement. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! I used to be fearless! Alright, way closer to fearless than I am right now!

Our coach gave us a speech on this fear, how it isn't getting us anywhere and we need to really push ourselves...basically: get the F over it! He's been brutally honest and his words are sticking.

I'm pissed though. At my ankle, at myself.

On another note, I think I've pulled or torn the back of my knee... I've got a nice circular red burst of something...blood vessel? The bruises are piling on...I'm still upset at my perma-bruise, the road rash from summer that's healed into a beautiful scar on the front of my leg. Just lovely in a dress! It's a good thing I'm so angry, because this is the perfect sport for me.

GRRRRRROOOWWWLLL!

But I'm not a quitter.

And all in all, I think I did pretty well this morning and last night. I did push myself. I did try. I stumbled, It gave, I fell, I panted, I nearly drowned in my sweat, I burned, I hurt, I yelled obscentities in my head, I was nowhere near the time I should be...it made me want to punch walls and spit blood but I made it to the end and the ankle is all the more stronger.

One day at a time woman, one day at a time!

Amen.

Two Bare Knuckle Rights

The Oilers doused the Flames last night...4-0...first game of what looks like it could be a great season, even with a bunch of rookies!

All the more sweeter being our rival team...Take that, Calgary!

Can You Lay Eggs?

And now for the incredible metal eating bird