Mom, There's A Penis In My Pot

I've been watching these little "thingies" growing in the soil of my rubber plant for the last week or so. When they first showed the top of their heads, I thought my plant must be growing a new stem. Strange, I thought as they are bright yellow and look nothing like the stem already towering above it. Today I realized that I am pretty sure it no longer looks like the start of a stem. It is one giant clusterfuck of bright yellow penises. Multiple sizes and shapes, growing steadily as we speak.

What, the...

Clearly this one's way over my head, so I dial my mother who thankfully is of the green thumb variety. She's not home. I ponder these strange happenings some more and watch an episode of the IT Crowd to distract my mind from thinking of... what I was thinking of. She calls back. I explain the situation as best I could without laughing, or mentioning the P word.

"Ahhh", she says, "You have a fungi". Immediately, I feel the colour drain from my face and my innards contort in discust. This was no longer a matter of simple curiousity and amusement. This was war. Some infectious contagious monster was living not only in my plant's home but my home... spreading it's toxic plague! I DON'T THINK SO! I took that sucker in one quick pull and out the door he went.

Unfortunately there is another one starting to grow and I don't know how many are going to spring up...so she suggested to remove all the soil, wash the plant with warm water and fill it with fresh dirt. All should be well by then. One would hope. Mother knows best.

I'm hoping this FUNGI did arrive in the soil, as I was informed that the spore of the fungus could have floated through the air and landed in the pot. It is right next to the window after all. Or worse, it could have already been inside the house and bright yellow penises could be sprouting up all over the place. The floor, the couch, the kitchen table. In that case I'm on the next train outta here!