Sunday, June 6, 2010

Battlefield

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin' black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fuckers are doin jumpin jacks now


Is this the edge of sanity? Destruction. Heart on fire, a blazing pile of sizzling muscle. The smell of burning flesh and bone fills the stagnant air. Hot. Smoke. Black clouds hang low. Smouldering sinews once beating, now charred. The soul lingers above looking down, hopeful of something worth saving. And the fire rages on...I've never been one to which making decisions come easy. I consider it one of my biggest flaws.... though should I put some more thought into it, I would likely come up with others more enormous in proportion!

When I was "younger", I made decisions based on my immaturity...flown by the seat of my pants. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions... I just did it and paid later. Smartest thing to do? No. But did I learn from it? Yes. Sort of. Kind of? I don't know really. I would like to think that I have.

As I've grown "older" (old, young, it's all relative), I noticed that it takes me ages to decide upon something. Am I now overanalyzing a situation? Making things more complicated than they really are? It is a conscious choice I make to choose to make a choice. I have to force myself to just pick something. Pick one. Pick the other. Go with your gut. Go with your heart. Go with your head. Go bury your head under the sand. Do something. Anything.

I hate that this inability to choose has so much power over my life. And it's not because I don't want to choose, it's usually because I see the good and tend to overlook the bad. And the bad is what ultimately consumes. I'm stuck with this perpetual habit or curse should I say. Unable to choose, or choosing not to choose. Someone once told me years ago that not choosing is also a choice. Wise words those are. What am I afraid of? Why can I not choose? What is holding me back? I think I know what the right choice to make is, yet I do not make it. Why?

This is insanity. Doing the same thing, over and over again.

I pinch myself to find I am wide awake and screaming.

1 comment:

Donna said...

must be a 'family thing' - anyway only advice I have - follow your heart and gut instinct...... :=)