Tuesday, October 25, 2011

There is a Silence

“In a rabbit-fear I may hurl myself under the wheels of the car because the lights terrify me, and under the dark blind death of wheels I will be safe. I am very tired, very banal, very confused. I do not know who I am tonight. I wanted to walk until I dropped and not complete the inevitable circle of coming home.” ~ Sylvia Plath

The city is full of noise, but it is drowned out by the deafening silence within. I am uncertain as to what I am doing here or why. It is a familiar place, these streets I have known, though I am unsure if this feels like home. The people I know have their lives and why should my being here change anything. I am living in three different places; my belongings strewn about everywhere. An unsettling tension lingers. Lost. Alone. Unsure of everything. I have no idea what the future holds or where I should be. The initial excitement of being somewhere I belong has subsided. The adrenaline has worn off. Emotions have surfaced. The emotions of the past three months have let loose their fury and I am at their mercy.

The choices I have made are mine alone and I wonder if they are the right ones. For one I am certain, the rest... have yet to unfold.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Mad Woman Move

Packing...and I don't know where to begin.... Kitchen? Closet? Vodka?


It is all a bit overwhelming.

I picked up a rental truck from Budget today.

It was bigger than I had expected.

I felt terror squeezing my guts as I jumped in; it was yelling "You're going to drive THIS onto the ferry, through the windy roads of BC, across the Rocky mountains and all the way to Edmonton? Woman, have you gone mad!"

Driving it out of the lot, there is a beep beep... beep beep...and I'm thinking what the F is that.

A block later I clue in.

I didn't think I had to release the emergency brake.

It's going to be a good trip.