Checklist for Idiots

Load box of truck up with furniture. Check.
Drive to specified location. Check.
Pull over to side of road. Check.
Check road is clear. Check.
Look in all mirrors. Check.
Put truck into reverse. Check.
Step on gas pedal. Check.
Back truck up onto your friend's Mazda. Check.

No Pants, No Panties, Nowhere To Hide!

I had a feeling it was going to happen, and damn it, I was right!

It was up to the Nanaimo lakes today for some fresh mountain air... way out in the wilderness where bears and cougars roam free. Let me just say for the record: I absolutely love it out there...save for the fact that there is nowhere for this city girl to "go" besides the bush. Peeing in the bush is NOT MY FORTE!

I can handle pretty much anything else...I'll dust the ash & dirt off my smokie and take a bite out of it after it's fallen on the ground beside the campfire. I'll sleep on a hard rocky ground and wake up shivering in a tent after a night of rain, or worse: scorching in the morning sun. I'll run down a never-ending trail to the outhouse in the middle of the night alone with my flashlight-doubling-as-a-bludgeon, imagining wild predator eyes staring out from the trees and evil goblins lurking. I'd even go a few days without a hot shower & soapy suds, if I had to. But peeing in the bush? This just something that I really, really don't like to do and won't do unless absolutely necessary. For good reason too, I mean today was a perfect example.

I spent a good ten minutes wandering through trees, trying to stake out the "perfect" spot. One with coverage. Good coverage from all angles. Of course, I eventually realized I was just procrastinating, putting off what I didn't actually want to do. I finally gave up and picked a "will-do" spot. There was a road above me, and water below down the hilly bank. I remembered the truck I had seen across the lake earlier and had a fleeting vision of it driving by while I was doing my deed. But I thought, nah... this will just take a second, it'll be done and over with by the time they get in their truck to go in any direction, let alone the chances of it coming in my direction.

Because I am the way I am, I had decided it's probably best to just take my pants right off, along with the panties so there is NO CHANCE of things going awry. I mean, I've had success in the past, but I've also had a few failures and that just ain't pretty.

So I bare all and grin it and am squatting there in the bush, exposed to any creature with eyes wandering the foliage, the chilly breeze investigating my bare skin..... when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my left eye I see movement. White. Truck. OH MY GOD it's the truck from across the lake! They are nearly on top of me... a few more feet and they'll have one hell of a show.

I grab frantically for my pants and miss my panties and am already stumbling trying to get my leg in with my shoes on, trying to keep my balance as I'm reaching for my fallen panties while trying to get my other leg in, then stuffing them in what I think is the pocket but really it's the knee and the truck is right there in front of me, so I dive for it, down the hill with my ass hanging out, tripping on fabric and sticks, trying to launch myself behind whatever kind of cover I can find, but there isn't any and I am rolling down the hill at this point on my knees, my hip, my elbow.


I finally found a stump to stick my half-naked self behind and flattened myself on the ground panting as the tail end of the truck disappeared from my sight. I cursed at the trees between fits of laughter and finally figured out how to put everything back on again.

I don't know if I wiped. I don't even remember peeing. But all I can say is it'll be a long time before I take my panties off.

Hot for Doctor

Having switched provinces, two years after the fact I figured it was probably time to find a local doctor for when I need one. After numerous long calls, snickering receptionists (like it's such an absurd thing to request a female doctor - they've got the same parts - makes sense does it not?) and no luck in my quest to find one...I bit the bullet and made an appointment for this afternoon to meet with the only doctor available to take on new patients. Good ol' Doctor C.

On a side note, have you ever noticed how many people gawk at you in the waiting room of a medical office? Close your mouth, avert your eyes and read a freakin' magazine or something. I'm not gawking at you, so kindly do the same, weirdos.

I had brought my book and was patiently absorbed when I heard my name called out. I looked up and found myself a hypocrite. Here I was, book in hand, peering over the top of it, gawking at the cutest doctor I have ever seen. Cuter, even than Patrick Dempsey. I somehow managed to grab my bag, book and stumble over to where he was casually waiting. What happened from there on in was a strange blur of medical history and professional banter, all I could seem to focus on were those gleaming blue eyes and charming smile.

That is until he shot me right back into reality:

"So, when was your last pap?"

Like it was a question about the weather.

I was like, huh?! Whhaaaaaaaooooooooooooohhhhh....that. Yeah. I was thinking there is NO WAY in HELL I will be able to pull it together to get through THAT one, with YOU. No offense buddy!

That I somehow made it through those awkward fifteen minutes of introductory dialogue was nothing short of a miracle. Especially the part where he recommended making an appointment for a physical. I would have liked to have seen my expression at that point.

However, Doctor C did seem like he knows what he's doing and there was something about him (besides the very obvious) that appealed to me.

Hmm. I guess we'll have to think about that one now, won't we.