Saturday, April 10, 2010

No Pants, No Panties, Nowhere To Hide!

I had a feeling it was going to happen, and damn it, I was right!

It was up to the Nanaimo lakes today for some fresh mountain air... way out in the wilderness where bears and cougars roam free. Let me just say for the record: I absolutely love it out for the fact that there is nowhere for this city girl to "go" besides the bush. Peeing in the bush is NOT MY FORTE!

I can handle pretty much anything else...I'll dust the ash & dirt off my smokie and take a bite out of it after it's fallen on the ground beside the campfire. I'll sleep on a hard rocky ground and wake up shivering in a tent after a night of rain, or worse: scorching in the morning sun. I'll run down a never-ending trail to the outhouse in the middle of the night alone with my flashlight-doubling-as-a-bludgeon, imagining wild predator eyes staring out from the trees and evil goblins lurking. I'd even go a few days without a hot shower & soapy suds, if I had to. But peeing in the bush? This just something that I really, really don't like to do and won't do unless absolutely necessary. For good reason too, I mean today was a perfect example.

I spent a good ten minutes wandering through trees, trying to stake out the "perfect" spot. One with coverage. Good coverage from all angles. Of course, I eventually realized I was just procrastinating, putting off what I didn't actually want to do. I finally gave up and picked a "will-do" spot. There was a road above me, and water below down the hilly bank. I remembered the truck I had seen across the lake earlier and had a fleeting vision of it driving by while I was doing my deed. But I thought, nah... this will just take a second, it'll be done and over with by the time they get in their truck to go in any direction, let alone the chances of it coming in my direction.

Because I am the way I am, I had decided it's probably best to just take my pants right off, along with the panties so there is NO CHANCE of things going awry. I mean, I've had success in the past, but I've also had a few failures and that just ain't pretty.

So I bare all and grin it and am squatting there in the bush, exposed to any creature with eyes wandering the foliage, the chilly breeze investigating my bare skin..... when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my left eye I see movement. White. Truck. OH MY GOD it's the truck from across the lake! They are nearly on top of me... a few more feet and they'll have one hell of a show.

I grab frantically for my pants and miss my panties and am already stumbling trying to get my leg in with my shoes on, trying to keep my balance as I'm reaching for my fallen panties while trying to get my other leg in, then stuffing them in what I think is the pocket but really it's the knee and the truck is right there in front of me, so I dive for it, down the hill with my ass hanging out, tripping on fabric and sticks, trying to launch myself behind whatever kind of cover I can find, but there isn't any and I am rolling down the hill at this point on my knees, my hip, my elbow.

I finally found a stump to stick my half-naked self behind and flattened myself on the ground panting as the tail end of the truck disappeared from my sight. I cursed at the trees between fits of laughter and finally figured out how to put everything back on again.

I don't know if I wiped. I don't even remember peeing. But all I can say is it'll be a long time before I take my panties off.


zachary said...

now that's awkward...Did they see you?
sorry tou have to go through this:(

Donna said...

hiya gal! This was the perfect beginning of a perfect day for me. The picture painted in my mind by your words was very clear - sorry it happened - hope you didn't hurt anything more than your pride - but hey, just chalk it up to another day in the life of... Kerstin - certainly a memorable moment - one for your future memoirs - we've all had our most embarrassing moments and then some - welcome to life. luv 2 u

Trouble.Thinks said...

Zachary - I have no idea I was too busy tumbling down the hill! LOL.

Hey AuntieD! Certainly a memorable moment & what the hell is the point if we can't laugh at ourselves once in a while eh! XO

Martin said...

Ha! Love it, Trouble.

It's easier to be a man, methinks.