Deadman

Oh Ron. You are the king. What would I do without your music?

You've been talking about love
But you ain't been talking about me
No you ain't been talking about me

That Which We Are, We Are

I've been working on a "personal mission statement" (at the same time trying to conjure up a less hokey name for it) having found the idea in the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People".

Realizing, of course, that it is not quite so easy as I first thought it may be. This is not the surface...this goes deep into the very essence of who you are.

What do I value? What are my principles? What is the basis of all my decisions? What guides my life? What is my purpose? What do I want out of life? What do I want to achieve? What can I give back to this world?

I've got somewhat of a plan for the future. It's far from complete though I ask myself: will it ever be complete? Should it ever be complete? It bends, it stretches, it transforms, it evolves as I evolve. We are constantly evolving. And if not, we must ask why is that?

The thing is, there are no rules but my own. I can change it, add to it. I can scrap it altogether if I so decide, though how that would be a benefit I am not certain. It can take a week, a month, however long to coalesce all these bits and pieces of who I am into something I can use as an inspiration, a reminder, a guide in building a life of purpose. I want to live a life of purpose.

At this point, I have no idea what my purpose is.

"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Fifty Bucks Poorer, But Money Well Spent

Well, shit. I've had better days. Making mistakes, "mistakes", silly mistakes, forgetting to do something yesterday.... (because I happened to be distracted by an inspiring conversation about the West Coast Trail).... that is SO RIDICULOUSLY UNIMPORTANT.... and then hearing about it first thing this morning.... followed by one problem after another after another for the rest of the morning & having the stress of other people thrust upon my inner sanctum.... and then not really getting where I wanted to on this one project....was not really much fun to be quite frank. Ten years ago, the little girl inside may have in fact walked right out of the doors, never to return again... However, that was then and this is now...I'm fairly certain I must have learned something over the years and I actually do really really reallllllly love my job and the incredible folk I am fortunate to know.

I have to learn to not take things so personally. I have to learn to eliminate those thoughts in my head... "you're a failure", "they hate you", "why can't you have all the answers", "you are not smart enough". And realize, that this is not the case. Yes, people get upset and react. Yes, sometimes people make a big deal out of the little things. But learn to deal with it. Learn to channel it into something positive... constructive criticism. If you can't solve that problem, figure out why. Figure it out, research, talk to the genius. IT'S OK. You are not an idiot because of it. You just have an area of focus now. YOU CAN DO THIS!

So on my lunch break, I decided I needed some music...I walked down to Fascinating Rhythm and found three gems, which of course I enjoyed while the afternoon wore on. The day became so much better, and it's amazing what a little bit of music, and a seawall walk with a friend can do.

She & Him Volume 1=LOVELY
(M. Ward & Zooey Deschanel)

Dirtbag

Dear SOB,

7:30 am on a Sunday morning is not the time to tear up the neighbourhood asphalt with your obnoxious dirt bike...

Especially while shooting exhaust fumes along the route of those who have decided to go for a peaceful morning walk, enjoy the sun and the sound of birds singing.

And waking up the neighbours who decided to sleep in....Not nice.

You are a big jerk.

Take a soil sample.

Sincerely,

The gal down the street

Eyes and Balls

The eyes are the window to the soul, they say. I find it so amusing just how much my cat communicates with his eyes... the fact that he will sit there and wait until we've made eye contact, and then tilting his head to one side, he meows in an attempt to tell me just exactly what he would like me to do for him. He looks so funny when he looks to one side and the whites of his eye appears. This got me thinking...besides the fact that he's another species altogether, why are his eyes larger...or the whites of his eyes smaller, than mine. Yours. Humans. I wondered if there was a reason, or if it just simply was. Of course, I had to go investigate. Curiousity killed the cat, but it only makes us humans all the wiser.

What I learned was... and I'm sure this was covered in my high school bio class in between pushup competitions against the instructor and discussions on her picking up poop along trails to figure out what kind of animal pooped it. I will never forget that crazy woman, Ms Ferbie.... the white of the eye is called the "sclera" and basically it is white because there is no pigment. (Really?!) Also, the sclera of a child is quite thin so it appears slightly blue (as it shows the underlying pigment) and the sclera of an old timer is yellowish because of fatty deposits.

There are actually some theories out there as to why our eyes have more visible white than other mammals. In fact, humans are the only mammal in which this occurs. Think about it.

Cougars:

Gorillas:

Even the cold-blooded. Lizards:

Why is this?

The Cooperative Eye Hypothesis... which suggests that the eyes evolved this way to make it easier for humans to follow each others gaze while communicating or working together on something (especially while in close contact, or in silence - ie. hunting). This theory was tested out with infants and apes using 4 different movement scenarios... the apes were more inclined to pay attention when the entire head moved, whereas the infants noticed the eyes.

Other theories suggest perhaps they are white to show a sign of good health, for potential mating. Physical attraction. Or to promote altruistic behaviour within the social group. Once we knew that cooperation was beneficial, if not necessary for survival - we developed language, social rules, norms, etc., to honour this idea of unselfish concern for others. Communicating with the eyes is probably what started it all. If you think about when one is angry and frowning, the whites of the eye gets smaller, hidden in a way. As if to hide the intention. To ready oneself for battle? And if a physical fight were to occur, this would be an aide, no doubt. It closes the communication, leaves the next move to guesswork.

So very interesting, the whites of the eyes.

But if you would prefer another colour, there's always the option.

Dear Anaïs Nin

I have never felt more alone in all my life. I cannot sleep. I cannot breathe. If you were alive, I would run to you right now. Even if I had to walk every step of the way, I would travel straight, the miles and miles to find you; to seek solace in your words, your depth, your insight. You would be the one to convince me that everything will be alright. We would drink tea and drown sorrow and throw our dreams into space like a kite. Woman to woman...

"I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."

Bad Timing

Unfortunately, the earliest ferry on Friday to Vancouver is 6:30 am. So I would have to leave the night before to make it to Stanley Park in time to see you carry the torch just after 7:00 am. And there's no way I'd be back in time for work.

Sand

This sand animation was originally created for the opening of a WWII memorial. Xenia Simonoff's moving interpretation:

The Past & Present Mingle

You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly...Rumi.

Confidence. This is the word I chose to guide me through this year. To keep in mind. To work on. The word of the year. Words are powerful. "Actions speak louder than words." Someone♥ once said this to me. Truer words were never spoken. I know this...boy, do I know. I also know that confidence is an action word.

I'm not just going to "get" confidence. I wish it were that easy. Like plucking stars from the midnight sky. The confidence I have "gotten" has been through hard work, experience and time. And believe me, I've got a lot of getting to do, that will take more than a year. Many years in fact. But it's a start. The focus being on the journey, not the destination.

I drove down to Courtenay last weekend to reconnect with an old friend and had not been yet, so it was an adventure in navigation. A navigation in heart as well. It was incredibly rejuvenating & insightful. To just follow the road and get lost in thought. Music my only companion. Awake and dreaming. One of my favourite things to do.

Having some time to kill before her concert, I wandered the shops downtown & found myself at the Zocalo cafe, sipping on tea & listening to live Jazz music. Pure bliss.

I must say, I enjoyed my company. I'm enjoying a lot of it these days and I do believe it is important to spend time with yourself, alone; without the distraction of every day life.

I've been delving into the past a little bit in hopes of finding some answers on how I've ended up where I am today. The good, the bad and the ugly. This isn't the 'be all end all', but it does provide some insight. What got me thinking about it, was an old report card of mine I found while going through my desk. Dear old Mr. Yardley. You weren't my favourite teacher of all time, but Grade 6 was fun. I did love playing Capture the Flag.

"Kerstin loves to get lost in a book, a quality to be greatly admired. Occasionally, these literary reveries could be better timed."

"Kerstin needs to listen better in class time."

"I continue to urge Kerstin to seek guidance when she is unclear of what to do. Of course, listening better the first time would also help."

"She certainly enjoys the company of her classmates, occasionally to excess. Determining when and how to have fun is what Kerstin is working on learning."

"Kerstin's teasing occasionally goes too far. She needs to learn when to stop."

"I was disappointed to notice the return of off task mind wandering. It would be nice to have more of Kerstin's attention."

"She seems to be spreading her wings."

I seem to have been quite the little space cadet. But what I find most hilarious, is that to this day I am still just this silly little girl...lost in the clouds, in her own little world. Making up alternate realities, or finding one in a book, a movie, a lackluster love - remnant of a sick pattern. To escape what is, what was, what will be. To escape her fears, her insecurities, her heartaches, her pain.

Something is lacking here.

However, the future looks bright.

"Mine is the night with all her stars..."

L-L-L-L-l-l-l-o-v-e

Love, Love, Love is in the air...
Valentine's day crap is everywhere...

Let's not get into that right now.

I do admit that I am truly excited to see that Valentine's Day moving coming out next week. Whowouldvethunkit. Damn me for seeing the preview last night.

Gary Chapman came up with this seemingly original idea of the 5 universal love languages. How people express and interpret love. How two people may give or take love in different ways. (Funny how that could ever happen!) How to connect with your loved one with intimacy and fulfillment!!!

These are the 5 love languages:

Words of Affirmation. aka compliments & lovey dovey talk
Quality Time. aka undivided attention, really being there
Receiving Gifts. aka thoughtful gifts or gestures
Acts of Service. aka easing the burden, helping out
Physical Touch. aka physical touch including, but not limited to sex

I remember hearing about it back when I had Christian friends...as it's based on those kind of principles. Still, I think it applies and could be in fact rather useful in life, relationships, love, even friendships. Interestingly enough, Chapman figures that we are drawn to those who speak a different love language than our own. (Adding to the already complicated mix known as re-la-tion-ship-s!) So I guess the solution is to figure out what your language is, figure out what language your partner speaks and then if they are different, run. keep that in mind when you express your eternal love for that person.

The verdict is out on moi:

6	Words of Affirmation
9	Quality Time
0	Receiving Gifts
3	Acts of Service
12	Physical Touch

What's your love language?

Find out here

Memory

You have to begin to lose your memory, if only in bits and pieces, to realize that memory is what makes our lives. Life without memory is no life at all, just as an intelligence without the possibility of expression is not really an intelligence. Our memory is our coherence, our reason, our feeling, even our action. Without it, we are nothing. ~ Luis Buñuel