Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Past & Present Mingle

You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly...Rumi.

Confidence. This is the word I chose to guide me through this year. To keep in mind. To work on. The word of the year. Words are powerful. "Actions speak louder than words." Someone once said this to me. Truer words were never spoken. I know this...boy, do I know. I also know that confidence is an action word.

I'm not just going to "get" confidence. I wish it were that easy. Like plucking stars from the midnight sky. The confidence I have "gotten" has been through hard work, experience and time. And believe me, I've got a lot of getting to do, that will take more than a year. Many years in fact. But it's a start. The focus being on the journey, not the destination.

I drove down to Courtenay last weekend to reconnect with an old friend and had not been yet, so it was an adventure in navigation. A navigation in heart as well. It was incredibly rejuvenating & insightful. To just follow the road and get lost in thought. Music my only companion. Awake and dreaming. One of my favourite things to do.

Having some time to kill before her concert, I wandered the shops downtown & found myself at the Zocalo cafe, sipping on tea & listening to live Jazz music. Pure bliss.

I must say, I enjoyed my company. I'm enjoying a lot of it these days and I do believe it is important to spend time with yourself, alone; without the distraction of every day life.

I've been delving into the past a little bit in hopes of finding some answers on how I've ended up where I am today. The good, the bad and the ugly. This isn't the 'be all end all', but it does provide some insight. What got me thinking about it, was an old report card of mine I found while going through my desk. Dear old Mr. Yardley. You weren't my favourite teacher of all time, but Grade 6 was fun. I did love playing Capture the Flag.

"Kerstin loves to get lost in a book, a quality to be greatly admired. Occasionally, these literary reveries could be better timed."

"Kerstin needs to listen better in class time."

"I continue to urge Kerstin to seek guidance when she is unclear of what to do. Of course, listening better the first time would also help."

"She certainly enjoys the company of her classmates, occasionally to excess. Determining when and how to have fun is what Kerstin is working on learning."

"Kerstin's teasing occasionally goes too far. She needs to learn when to stop."

"I was disappointed to notice the return of off task mind wandering. It would be nice to have more of Kerstin's attention."

"She seems to be spreading her wings."

I seem to have been quite the little space cadet. But what I find most hilarious, is that to this day I am still just this silly little girl...lost in the clouds, in her own little world. Making up alternate realities, or finding one in a book, a movie, a lackluster love - remnant of a sick pattern. To escape what is, what was, what will be. To escape her fears, her insecurities, her heartaches, her pain.

Something is lacking here.

However, the future looks bright.

"Mine is the night with all her stars..."


Anonymous said...

Enjoyed the blog - interesting looking back to a time when our actions and reactions were automatic, subjective...and then compare them to the way you act today; or better the thoughts you have today. To me, it cements what we call a 'personality', in its purest form.

Trouble.Thinks said...

Two steps forward, one step back...The art of making progress.

In its purest form, yes! The essence of what is. Beneath the many layers.