Sunday, December 5, 2010

You give yourself away

"Go get what you want"

That's what the magicman said at the end of our conversation. He told me to write it on the bathroom mirror and take a picture. He'll watch for it.

That was Friday.

I still haven't done it.

A while back I stuck the words "Know what you want, and what you don't want" to my fridge. Remnants of a previous conversation with another deep soul.

Both of whom have taught me so much.

We have these people in our lives who speak truth...they tell it like it is...see things for what they are, see you for exactly who you are and have a way of carrying you out from underneath your delusions, setting you down on the floor, looking you right in the eyes through to your soul and ripping your very heart out with their words. It only hurts because it's real. They know it, and deep down you know it. Even if you won't admit it to yourself.

Which is exactly where I am. I can admit to that. But not to the rest.

The thing is, I know what I want. But what I want, doesn't want me.

My past is a series of choices that may have led me up to where I am today, and yes, for that I am grateful...but it took me further away from the part of my life that meant more to me than anything else and by the time I realized, it was too late. It is a hard truth to carry. I am being honest with myself when I acknowledge that this is the biggest regret of my life. So big, that I can finally admit that I was so blind to even think that I deserve anything more than what I got.

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could —“

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”

Go get what you want.

First step, know what you want and what you don't want.

And so the work begins...


Mantramine said...

I think I almost cried - how beautiful and scary. and true. My heart to you

Anonymous said...

Go travel. Take your bags and pack it full. Then empty it and go back and take only what you need. Leave. Get back in the door. Take one photograph with you as a momento and not to forget your camera with a one way ticket in your hand and leave.

Go travel. Sit and wait and think and be to yourself. Solitude with you as you sit among travelers. Going places, coming home, going places.