Thursday, April 16, 2009

Damn, damn the circumstance

“My mistakes are taunting me
And I’m hanging around in my old haunts…”

Try as I might, I cannot ignore this incredible wrenching knot in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was on a roll there for a while…getting on, getting by, and as my mother always sings in her theatrics: “Que sera sera”. What else are you supposed to do when it's clear there's nothing you can do - it's up to fate, or time, or the Gods, whomever, whatever. But, I thought wrong. It was all a façade - a temporary lull in this ridiculous, insatiable, undeniable madness and all it took was a slight push in the right wrong direction. My thoughts, my mind, my body, my soul and my heart are consumed once again. I have no idea where to go from here…Sometimes I wish I could go back in time…revisit my old self, smack her upside the head, and say: just what were you thinking girl? But this is no way to live: regretting action, inaction, and wishing for impossible things. It is just not healthy, and it takes over if you let it. Maybe that’s what I’ve gone and done. But craters in hearts are hard to fill…

9 comments:

My Other Blog said...

I wish I could go 35 years back in time. And not marry the man I married. At times I feel like I threw my entire life away at that point.

Confessional Darling said...

I suppose there's always the next 35 years... to get your life back! :)

Anonymous said...

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - Regret for the past, and fear for the future"

Anonymous said...

....." and we'll drink but not to forget..."

Trouble.Thinks said...

"But to remember instead, all our happy years..." That's a great tune, great band. I have a dear friend this reminds me of. I don't know why, but when we're apart, something makes me want to start setting fires and kicking down doors...

Anonymous said...

...Damn Damn the circumstance...keep posting - i'm sure he, I mean 'your friend' reads your posts!

Trouble.Thinks said...

Yea, the chance is just as fat, as a union bureaucrat that the blog I'm writing, ain't the one he, I mean my friend, is looking at. He'd have to be pretty smart to figure out where my blog is, not too many people know about it.

Anonymous said...

Well sure i'd like to work it all out, but I know i'm not that bright.

Trouble.Thinks said...

You're brighter than you think.