Just Friends

He's a speed dater. He knows I know. He does it while I'm around. I call him on it. He says we're just talking. Just friends. Okay okay, he'll delete it. Whether he actually does is moot. It's not the first time.

I am finding other things out that I'd rather not know. Now that I know, it changes everything. He, in his stupidity, leaves himself wide open. I've seen some of his conversations with other women. I am now wondering how much dialogue I've missed in between these and since, and how much of this past year has been a lie:

January
Him: R u madd at me? im sorry i should have just told you the truth, mmy girlfriend still lives with me, but we are breaking -up, we have been for a few months now, i relize now i was wrong and just should have been more honest with you , and i dont blame you if you never wanna talk to me again, again im sorry hope i didnt hurt your feelings, cause that was not my intention..hope we can still be friends.....(banging head on wall)....
(what's that honey? I didn't know we were breaking up. Or is this what you say when the lady you're leading on finds out about your girlfriend)
Her: yah that kinda turned me off...well good luck with getting yourself/relationship worked out. sure we can be friends

February
Him: not to much, dealing with relationship problems.i think we have fallen out of love ,,,just isnt the same anymore, i dunno what to do, maybe its best if we break-up, im not holding much hope for our future at this point.
Her: Aw that sucks, she has just changed from what she was before? Do u think she is cheating on u?
Him: ya well i dunno, i know she hasnt cheated and neither have i but i have lots of options..lol, i think she just misses her family in alberta too much

April
Her: You actually have a gf, don't you? You were really looking for a playmate? I thought you were kidding.
Him: Im kinda guilty on the girlfriend thing..., but yes a playmate would be fun, but not if would wreck are new found friendship
Her: your karma will kick your ass. Put yourself in her shoes....what if she was out seeking a playmate. No friend of mine cheats on his girlfriend
Him: Actually i have never cheated on anyone ever , im guilty of flirting thats all, Sometimes i like to filrt that s all

Is it wrong of me to check up on him? To go behind his back like that? Probably. In fact, I would agree that it is. In normal circumstances, I would not break that trust. However, when your boyfriend spends more time typing on the computer than anything else, including his partner... suspicions are hard to ignore. Call it a woman's intuition. And it was right. Once again. And that, to me, justifies why I did what I did.

I feel like I've lost my faith and trust in men, and the entire concept of relationships, even marriage. With this relationship, past relationships and people I know in relationships who are unhappy, detached, cheating, separating, divorcing...I mean, what the f**k is the point? And yet, I know that this is just a copout. And unrealistic, might I add.

The whole situation has been tossing around in my mind for a while now. The answer seems obvious but it is the coming to terms with it that's the hard part. And first of all, I need to figure out what it is that I want and am willing to settle for.