Exhale

Sometimes our flame goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being...

~ Albert Schweitzer

Checklist for Idiots

Load box of truck up with furniture. Check.
Drive to specified location. Check.
Pull over to side of road. Check.
Check road is clear. Check.
Look in all mirrors. Check.
Put truck into reverse. Check.
Step on gas pedal. Check.
Back truck up onto your friend's Mazda. Check.

P-O'd

Having smashed my ankle up... twice in the last month, leaving me one limping angry malfunction of an invalid, it's been taking some time to get it back up and running full force. It's slowing me down, big time. I feel I am falling behind.

And fear now grips...it's like an overtight tensor bandage that you can't yank off, digging in and suffocating the blood right out from under your skin, your toes are turning blue...

Fear of falling, fear of corners. Especially those corners on the slippery wooden gym floors, with our coach screaming "Run! Run! Don't stop running! You're not running! RUN ON THOSE SKATES! RUN!!!" and your brain telling you "ANY SECOND now you are just going to LOSE IT and go flying into the wall, rupturing your ankle into a million splinters on the way down, never to skate on it again. Of course, it does feel a whole lot nicer falling on wooden floors, over the unforgiving cement. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! I used to be fearless! Alright, way closer to fearless than I am right now!

Our coach gave us a speech on this fear, how it isn't getting us anywhere and we need to really push ourselves...basically: get the F over it! He's been brutally honest and his words are sticking.

I'm pissed though. At my ankle, at myself.

On another note, I think I've pulled or torn the back of my knee... I've got a nice circular red burst of something...blood vessel? The bruises are piling on...I'm still upset at my perma-bruise, the road rash from summer that's healed into a beautiful scar on the front of my leg. Just lovely in a dress! It's a good thing I'm so angry, because this is the perfect sport for me.

GRRRRRROOOWWWLLL!

But I'm not a quitter.

And all in all, I think I did pretty well this morning and last night. I did push myself. I did try. I stumbled, It gave, I fell, I panted, I nearly drowned in my sweat, I burned, I hurt, I yelled obscentities in my head, I was nowhere near the time I should be...it made me want to punch walls and spit blood but I made it to the end and the ankle is all the more stronger.

One day at a time woman, one day at a time!

Amen.

Two Bare Knuckle Rights

The Oilers doused the Flames last night...4-0...first game of what looks like it could be a great season, even with a bunch of rookies!

All the more sweeter being our rival team...Take that, Calgary!

Can You Lay Eggs?

And now for the incredible metal eating bird

Emotional Blackmail

We broke up.

Got back together.

I was unsure.

So I signed the lease.

We broke up. Again.

Got back together. Again.

I broke the lease on my way to get the key.

We are where we were a week or two, and far longer, ago.

Nowhere...

What am I doing?
Everyone thinks I'm nuts.
I know I'm nuts...
And I am certainly making some very strange decisions as of late...

Such as...

1) Calling my new landlord at 2:00pm to confirm our scheduled meetup that evening to pick up the key, then calling him back a few hours later to find him unreachable and having him finally answer the phone while on the way to the apartment, to say that you have decided to not take the apartment, causing him to have to turn around, drive all the way back home to pick up your deposit, and drive all the way back...then having to face him, and his wife, in shame and explain the reasoning to your 180 degree change of mind within the last few hours...

Lesson learned: Always give yourself more than a few hours to change your mind. Sleep on it. Talk it out with somebody! Anybody! Let the emotions cool down and then decide...like a normal person. Oh, and count yourself extremely lucky when you get your entire damage/pet deposit back when you break your lease because your new, now ex-, landlords are in fact reasonable people...and you, clearly, are not.

2) Ordering cheques from my bank to my new address and calling the next morning to cancel them only to find out they had already been shipped to the new address, BLANK... and having to open a new bank account and cancel the old bank account because apparently the bank cannot stop fifty numbered cheques from being cashed into your account without turning the entire cheque cashing ability right off...

Lesson learned: Do not put your new address on anything until you are carrying boxes into the front door of your new place... EVER!

And the biggest kicker of them all...

3) Deciding to leave, then choosing to stay. Only because you feel guilty because he is angry and laid off and accusing you of trying to bankrupt him and make him sell his truck and end up on the street because he can't afford the place on his own right now...And only because he says he'll change. He'll quit. He wants to quit. He'll do it for me...

He's not quitting...he continues to be consumed by his addiction and I continue to be consumed...

Lesson learned: How foolish am I...