Sunday, February 27, 2011

War

Sometimes I feel like giving up. My heart's just not into it anymore. Though I know that I can't, the temptation is definitely there. I've been battling myself these days... running low on ammunition...wearing down. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am skeptical...empty. I've lost faith and trust... Decisions to make are bright night lights of head on traffic and I'm trying to swerve but the wheel won't turn. I really don't know where to begin. Begin within, they say...but how do you do this when you are trying to pull yourself out. It's suffocating down there.

I've been making some rather odd decisions as of late and they don't gel with the person I want to be. I want to be a woman of value. I want inner strength and inner peace... I want so much more than I'm allowing myself to embrace and yet, here I am. Stuck. Glaring at a wall. This wall has been up for the last six years, when everything crumbled...some of it, probably longer. I'd like to tear it all down someday, brick by brick. I'd like to do alot of things. I don't want to just get by. I want to live the life I dream of. Why do we stay stuck... why do we settle... why are we so nuts?

Tonight at derby, I realized the power of the mind/body connection. Skating round and round, I'm hearing this voice... you gotta want it. Fight for it. Hunger for it. You've gotta be more hungry for it. I'm not hungry for it. I'm full. In fact, I'm full of shit. All this shit that's going on in my head is affecting my play. When it got tough on the track, as my body was screaming at me for missing two weeks worth of practice to go vacation across the rockies in my hometown, my mind...my disastrous mind was giving up on me too. That jerk. "I can't do this", "You're not going to make it", "You're going to collapse", "You're not good enough, fast enough, fit enough".... add this negativity to the rest of the chaos and I was out. I nearly had a breakdown on the track and I wanted to smack myself upside the head because this is not the attitude I was looking for. This is not me. This is someone else who has taken over and I would like her out. I did eventually go back, but I couldn't get my legs to connect with my head and my head to connect to my heart.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Valentine

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding ring,
if you like.
Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

-- Carol Ann Duffy

Trouble.Thinks said...

Truer words were never spoken...