Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Mixed Up

I have to keep telling myself that my feelings are important too.

The things I feel, I feel for a reason.

This time, what I want matters more than what he wants.

Five years is a long time. It should have been three, but I stuck it out. Why? Who knows. I guess it was easier to be miserable than to face the fears of change and the manifestation of conflict. Though, there was conflict all along.

Last year, around this time, we broke up. Twice within two months. Third time's a charm. Eventually you just reach a point where your soul really starts to just die and you have had enough. Call it divine intervention, fate, or simply a moment of pure, unabashed clarity; this time was different. In a moment of truth, I realized that what I want, need and value matters. That for the first time in my life I was putting my true self before anyone else... and not feeling guilty or torn over it, or deliberating for hours and days on end.

At this point, I could no longer just coast along allowing myself to live against my values, in a constant state of disharmony. I realized that I, and I alone, had let things go too far out of control and that this could no longer go on.

I left the province to go back home to the big city; to get away and start a new beginning. Thinking about it now, maybe I was running. But self-preservation is a strong motivator. Did I think there was a chance I would back down on my decision, absolutely! Could I let that happen this time, no way! I needed to clear my mind and heart and figure out what the hell it is that I want in this life.

Now he wants to move here to be with me. We have been apart for 19 days. He says he didn't realize how unhappy I was. Despite the arguments, the distance, the clear signs and problems in our relationship. He says he wants to work on it. After last years' episodes and all this time and broken promises, he somehow thinks that working on it now is going to magically prove to be the solution we've been looking for all along. It is hard because there is a part of me that is starting to feel like maybe this time is different and big enough to allow for some real change to happen. Am I crazy? History repeats itself, does it not? And the one thing I have learned is that you can't change anyone but yourself.

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone...

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