Wake Up Call

There were creepy little squiggling spaghetti worms on the entrance mat...compliments of Twitchy's belly. It was my worst nightmare becoming reality...my precious cat was dying a slow and painful death, being eaten alive from the inside out. Thankfully, this was not the case. I took him into the vet and they gave him a simple pill, as well as his shots. Unfortunately, I don’t think he appreciated any of this and is sulking around outside disgruntled.

Apparently, it is fairly common for cats that play outdoors to breathe the airborne larvae in, only to have them fester in their stomachs a week or two later. The larvae are found in infested poop that may be left by another cat or mammal, or on infested rodents. It was probably the big fat mouse he left on the step last week but who knows. All I know is it was horrible and I hope for both our sakes it doesn’t happen again! This mess was a kick in the butt for not being a responsible human and taking him in to visit the vet sooner; however I will be on my best behavior from now on...I promise.

Random 20

20 random things, facts, habits or goals about you...

1. Being a big softie frustrates me but I can’t seem to get around it. I’m very sentimental.

2. I am a firm believer in truth. Being true to yourself, being true to others and the quest for truth.

3. One of my favorite places to be is at my grandma’s house. She’s very special.

4. I am addicted to chocolate, caffeine and other harmful substances

5. Organized religion scares the hell out of me. So do religious nuts standing on street corners or at my door.

6. I’m not always a good daughter, sister, lover or friend, but I’m working on it.

7. My idealistic tendencies are wrecking my chances at a normal life.

8. I miss my dad more than ever.

9. I start a lot of projects, but I don’t always finish them until months or years later, if ever. This makes me crazy.

10. Discussions on “controversial” subjects like religion, politics and whether or not Johnny Depp is sexier than Brad Pitt are great, but I am not fond of arguing.

11. I’m tougher than I appear.

12. I really appreciate my alone time.

13. Living up to other people’s expectations and trying to please everyone is a waste of time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s the fact that this is incredibly draining and I am important too.

14. My alter ego is dark and rebellious. I like vampires, witches, horror, gore, the Goth and punk culture, as well as gawking at preserved oddities on science/medicine shelves. I have a fascination with mortality and death, and I think about being a mortician.

15. I have no patience for fake people.

16. I want to have my own business and be my own boss.

17. Meditation and yoga is something I wish I could find the time to do.

18. I want to travel the world. I will miss my own bed.

19. I often feel out of place. Like I belong on another planet, or in some other era or past life.

20. Sometimes I wonder if I love animals more than people, other times I am certain.

Ah, crisis. Ain't it grand.

Yesterday I, along with my colleagues, took part in an all day Crisis Management class called Communication Strategies for Managing Difficult Situations. “Disarming crisis before it occurs. Diffusing crisis when it does”.

Well, I realized that I could have actually used this class a long time ago. Like before everything I deemed “CRISIS!” actually happened. It was useful and helped to re-align things into perspective again. It got me thinking more on my own level.

One thing we discussed, that really stuck out for me, was vulnerability. How each of us feels vulnerable. Where this vulnerability stems from, what it looks like, and how each of us is different. We even ranked places we feel least and most comfortable. Art gallery and college ranked most comfortable on my list. Least was the doctor’s office. Not surprising, I am sure for many. I mean who wants to lie there naked and exposed, legs strung up in effin’ stirrups while some strange prick shoves cold steel up your vajayjay. (Thanks Oprah,for the lovely petname). But seriously now – this kind of thing is not a crisis, unless I make it one.

I hate vulnerability. What I mean is, I hate the fact that I am vulnerable. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel powerless. But, in the end, in being vulnerable, no crisis ever comes of it and on the odd occasion something does, we deal with it. Plain and simple.

I am old wise enough to know better and know that I am actually in control of my life and can deal with whatever comes my way. I try to keep telling myself that. Some days are better than others. Being vulnerable really just comes down to fear. Fear of rejection or disapproval. Fear of trusting someone, and having that trust shattered. Fear of not living up to expectations. Fear of being alone. Fear of the unknown. Whatever that fear is, we all know that fear is conquerable. We can get past the fear, the vulnerability and everything else holding us back… for they are only as big a crisis as we make them out to be.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain...
~ Frank Herbert, Dune. Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

It seemed like a good idea...

What IT is, I'm not entirely sure...but one of the greatest authors of our time once wrote:

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death"

Anaïs Nin was a wise woman; a source of inspiration.

As far as states go... I have elected to remain in my current state. For as long as I can anyway. It is one of Growth. Realization. Self-Awareness. Hope.

It's taken many years to get here. But I'm not going back. I'm moving forward. Moving on.

Becoming...